Ageism & Discrimination

I never knew that I would live long enough to experience yet another -ism in my life. Why didn't my parents and relatives tell me when I was a boy there would be one discrimination and -ism after another? Nevertheless, I am not sure if it would have prepared me for what I am observing today.

Ageism is the only -ism that I was never aware of until the past few years. Ageist attitudes in the community mean that older people are perceived to be less deserving or, alternatively, are incapacitated and in need of protection. Ageism is discrimination based on age, without any evidence base, and is especially prejudicial and detrimental to the very old, often called “the elderly.

Growing up, my mother and her siblings were adamant to make sure all the children in the family learned to respect their elders. You see, it wasn't a choice. In the beginning, we would roll our eyes if we had to do something for some old man or woman, but that attitude soon landed us with the back of a hand across our faces or our butts. At the time, we had no idea what an elder or older person was because in my community they all looked young to us. Many of the so-called elders could outrun us when playing baseball, shoot their balls into the net when playing basketball, ride their bikes faster, and taught us how to jump rope and dance while jumping. They also would play many games with us, such as, hide and seek, the game of jacks, Simon Says, and of course, an old game that we loved called Red Light, Green Light, Stop. That was our favourite game. So, the so-called old people became our best friends. They were also our protectors when our parents were working hard to make a living. We never worried about food or getting our homework done. They also taught us how to fight and to protect each other in case a bully, or as they called them, loud-mouthed cowards who wanted to push little ones around. The tactics and tricks to punch them down truly paid off.

As we started taking public transportation to get to middle and high school, the lessons were drilled into our heads on how to treat anyone who was an adult. We never focused on ages; we just knew the rules had to be followed. For example, if we got a bus or tram, we would sit down until an adult man or woman entered. Then, we would stand and say, "Excuse me, ma'am or sir, would you like to sit down?" I was taught to always look them straight in the eyes when making an offer so they would know it was sincere and from my heart. Even though it was a very long time ago, I can still remember the smile on their faces as they thanked us for giving them a seat. Of course, we had our favourite passengers that we looked forward to seeing, such as cranky old Ms. Maude or Mr. Gifford, one of the neighbours that would always tell us jokes and make us laugh on the bus. We liked them also because they always had a treat for us, either a home-baked oatmeal cookie, a slice of carrot cake, bread pudding, or a lollipop. Upon exiting, they would always say with a big grin, "Don't tell your mama". Of course, all our mothers already knew and had approved the treats.

Our daily chores included helping all the elderly neighbours that we considered family. My friends and I would work together to mow and rake their laws, empty their trash, wash their cars, sweep the floors in the house, and even wash dishes when needed. Occasionally we would try to help with hanging out the washing or folding of the clothes once dried. Most of us weren't very good at folding sheets, but we tried, and they would help us to learn. The best part once again was always getting fed delicious food or tasty treats with a warm cup of cocoa or a glass of milk. So, I grew up never understanding the differences in ages and always saw everyone as a person. When certain relatives grew ill, I would ask my mom what could be done to help. I truly believed that I could share my youthful energy with them and that would be the cure. This was the first time I heard the reason being that your Aunt Teadot, whom we all loved, was very old and would be leaving us soon. I would start to cry and ask if I could go with her as my many cousins joined in with more tears, begging to go on a journey with her too. My family explained to us children that it was a wonderful journey that you grow to look forward to after accomplishing many goals in life. With excitement, we yelled, "So Aunt Teadot will be waiting there for us when we arrive"? My mother simply smiled at each of us as she patted our heads and said, "Now go out and play little squirrels."

As I became a man it was apparent that others my age or younger were not taught the same lessons about respect and showing kindness to others, especially to our elders. Elders were simply someone assumed to be older. In my book, it meant everyone that was not younger than me. We were also taught that when a teacher entered the classroom, all students should stand up out of respect and say good morning. As a man, we learned to never enter an elevator before a woman or girl and to always hold the door. We were also taught to offer help to anyone that may be struggling to carry their grocery bags or to try to reach something off a shelf in the local grocery store. Saying hello to everyone that you met or passed on the street was at the top of the list, regardless of how many times you passed the same person. Often my mother or many of her female friends would test us when walking to the store together. They would walk on the side of the street where there was traffic. This was the biggest no-no. As boys or young men, we were always taught to walk on the traffic side out of respect and protection for the woman that we are with. It's amazing how so many of these values and lessons are still deep inside of me today, although they seem to no longer exist in most places of the world.

It has taken me 20 years to adapt and understand those good manners don't exist anymore because many parents never taught them to their children, so it shows in society today. Simple phrases like thank you, excuse me, or pardon me don't seem to exist in society today. When on a crowded public transportation, no one, man, woman, or teenager would give up their seat to an elderly, disabled, or pregnant person. I would say they are too busy staring at their mobile devices, but that's not totally correct, they just don't care about anyone else except themselves and haven't been taught by their parents to care.

Over the years, I have lost count of how many times I have offered my seat to an elderly person without expecting anything in return. To my surprise, almost every person that I have given up my seat for always remembers if I ever run into them again, whether it's one month or one year. One of the memories that stand out for me while living in San Francisco was riding a crowded MUNI tram and spotting a seat after one of the worse days of my working life where I wanted to strangle the most incompetent boss ever. Reliving the experience in my mind, imagining the steam coming out of my ears and my hands around their throat, an older Asian man with lots of grocery bags caught my eye. I could feel my mother's hand on the back of my head pushing me to do something. Immediately, to get my mom to leave me alone, I offered the nice man my seat. I thought he was going to cry, but he gave me the biggest smile I have ever seen and said thank you, repeatedly. We ended up chatting and laughing. As I reached my stop, we said goodbye to each other, and he thanked me again. Once I got off the tram, I didn't think anymore about the horrible day at work and I wasn't sure how I was moved into a happier space. About 3 months later I entered the tram to go home from working with a fantastic new boss and no I didn't kill the last one, they were terminated. Once again, the tram was packed with people. Then all of a sudden, I heard a voice calling out to me, "Mikael, Mikael, I saved a seat for you." Initially stunned, I struggled to remember how this man knew my name. The moment he smiled, it all came back to me and the laughter between us picked up where we left off. It made my day and I shared that with him. He said to me, "You are my son, you just don't know it." We laughed some more. When I reached my stop, I turned to him and yelled, "Bye dad". I wish you could have seen the faces of all the people on the tram looking at me and then back to him trying to figure out what part of me was Asian. I laughed even harder.

In the early 1990s, I moved to Paris, France. The biggest shock I received was the respect and kindness that was shown to the elders everywhere, making me feel at home. So, I joined in, although my language skills were weak, I still offered help to many of the older residents when needed. Always with a big smile and kisses on my cheeks to say thank you. Of course, that was a long time ago, 30 years, and I wonder if the Parisians are now like Americans and others all over the world that have lost their sense of kindness for others. I truly hope not.

The year 2020 was a new experience in yet another country. I moved to Melbourne, Australia with lots of expectations of greatness to greet me. My partner always asks me why I expect everything to be better wherever I am headed. It's a good question that I have started asking myself because I am always disappointed with the outcome. Lessons in life teach me that people and circumstances are the same all over the world, regardless of the language spoken, the religion practiced, or the colour of their skin. I no longer have any preconceived expectations and accept the truth at face value. It's noticeable that ageism is also discrimination here too. The attitude of how elders are treated in most communities is the same as in most countries. Like in America, very few would consider giving up their seat to a pregnant woman, or a disabled person, and definitely not an elderly person even though the sign over the seats is labeled for seniors or disabled persons. Maybe learning to read is not a requirement anymore. The few times I have seen acts of kindness happen; it always makes me smile. One good thing about this area is I have seen older people stand up and confront younger people who are being rude with their feet or backpacks holding a seat on a crowded train. It makes me want to applaud their courage. It's fine to hold 2 seats if they are willing to pay for them, but most people are not.

The interesting aspect of ageism is that it often bypasses those surviving in skin of colour. Recently I attended a fun wedding party where many of the guests became obsessed with my age. On my way to being 100 years old, they wanted to see my teeth to make sure they were real, my gums and examined the texture of my skin. It was a fun experience for me. One very nice gentleman in the group yelled out, "Leave him alone, everyone knows Black don't crack." All I could do was laugh, give him a hug, and rejoin the party. Depending on our biological genes, there is something true about most Black people and/or people of colour appearing younger than their actual age. Keywords growing up in my home from my mother were moisturise, moisturise, and moisturise some more. She truly believed that taking care of one's skin was a top priority. She would bathe our legs, arms, and feet in all types of lotions to make sure we had smooth skin. My siblings and I hated it, but we had no choice. At 89 years old, my mother had the balls to look as young or younger as I did at 50. As children, my siblings and I loved when my mom would attend school functions because she looked like our big sister and we loved how all the other students would rave about her face and figure. When I close my eyes, I can still see her 4 feet and 10-inch body frame, 90 pounds with her hips swaying from side to side as if the music was playing.

Ageism can appear in personal relationships. Here are a few examples:

• Treating family members as though they are invisible, unintelligent, or expendable based on their age.

• Making ageist jokes that imply someone is less valuable or less worthy of respect, based entirely on their age.

• Making offensive generalisations about a specific generation, e.g., that millennials or others are entitled.

• Disregarding someone's concerns or wishes due to their age.

• Taking advantage of someone's age for personal gains, such as to make money.

• Using someone's age as justification to undermine, deceive, or control them. Often adult children will take advantage of an older parent.

• Ageism can also lead to elder abuse, which can include emotional, physical, sexual, or financial abuse.

So, what can each of us do on an individual level to become an ally? First, I truly believe that practicing kindness toward everyone is key. Be aware that some people don't deserve your kindness and you simply make a mental note or list in your mind of who to avoid. Also being able to think before words flow from your mouth when they can be offensive or disrespectful to an older person. It helps to:

• Become aware of ageism and reflect on how it shapes one's own thoughts, feelings, and life experiences.

• Learn how ageism affects others by listening to their personal stories and reading books on the topic.

• Learn about and practice advocacy skills, such as knowing when to speak up and when to step back.

• Act by putting the knowledge you gain into action. Try correcting ageist stereotypes, challenging against jokes, or speaking out against ageist discrimination. It's key to remember that this practice does not involve rescuing people but supporting and advocating for them in situations where they may be struggling to be heard or feel they don't have a strong enough voice.

Remember, ageism is a systemic structure of oppression against people of specific age groups. It affects older adults most severely, cut can also impact young people. It's based on prejudice, such as the thought that all older adults are unintelligent or uncooperative, or those young adults are not worth taking seriously. In my perfect world, both groups would work together to get to know each other better to recognize their similarities and differences to each other.