As a young boy, I loved pushing the envelope as close to the edge as possible before a leather belt came out or a switch from a nearby tree came to greet me. Do you remember any of the things your parents warned you not to do when you were growing up? I remember disobeying almost all of them because I wanted to understand why I couldn't or shouldn't do certain things.
The one that stands out the most in my mind was hearing the same phrases over and over again, every single day. Every morning when getting ready to run off to school, my mother would say to me, "Now remember, don't talk to strangers and don't take candy from anyone you don't know, and most importantly don't get into any car with a stranger." Then she would make me repeat them to make sure I understood and remembered. I always had questions and asked 'why' or what will happen, or suppose it's my favourite chocolate candy or a beautiful car? The questions stopped when I saw the expression on my mother's face. That's when I knew I had gone over the line of safety, but she had to rush off to work and didn't have enough time to slap me on the bottom. I still wonder why she never told me the reason I shouldn't talk to strangers or try new candy or desserts. Besides, isn't it rude to reject a treat when offered?
To make it even more confusing, I was lectured on being friendly and helpful to every older person in the neighbourhood, whether I knew them or not. At first, I started to cry, then I realised that I was finally getting permission to talk with strangers and have fun. Every good plan of mine seemed to backfire during my childhood. Every day I was in trouble for staying too long with the elderly people in the neighbourhood helping them with their tasks, eating fresh chocolate chip cookies out of the oven, carrot cake, and all sorts of other tasty food. You guessed it, I was always in trouble for getting home too late, but at least I completed my homework, with the help of my new grandparents, uncles, and aunts who also looked out for me.
At the young age of 19, I was accepted into a university exchange program based in Rome, Italy. I was thrilled. All of my relatives were horrified by the news and tried to convince me to turn it down because of the dangers waiting for me. I was told that strangers will mug you, trick you, and may kill you if you aren't careful. All of their stories convinced me that I must travel so I can meet these interesting strangers. Of course, I had no idea where Rome was located, even while looking at a wall map. I am still pretty bad with maps and directions.
It was the best adventure of my young life. All the strangers I met felt like family and best friends -- all looking out for me and feeding me good food. All the letters from my mother asked the same questions that were asked when I was a little boy, "Did you talk to any strangers? Did you take any food from strangers? And, did you get into a car with a stranger?" Of course, I answered 'NO' to all of the questions because I continued to do all of them every day when I wasn't in class. Hitchhiking was the best in Europe when you don't have a lot of money. The drivers would always buy us lunch or dinner until we reached our destination. Often they would give us money when they dropped us off for being so helpful and polite on the trip. We would help by filling the gas tank when we stopped for petrol, or running into a store to pick up snacks, or cleaning the windshield.
So my entire life has been spent talking to strangers and enjoying the conversations. In every place I have ever lived, I understood the importance of being friendly with others. One of the hardest places where I lived was Paris, struggling with the language didn't make it any easier. So many people saw how hard I tried to speak French and all wanted to help me and show me around Paris. Many of them have been my friends for over 20 years. When we connect today, it's just like we have never been apart.
When I worked at a job in Oakland, California, I met a lovely woman that was an introvert. She was one of my favourite people on the job, so I asked her to teach me to be an introvert. You may ask why, but I didn't know what an introvert was and I wanted to learn more about them. Each day we would leave the office and enter the elevator and I usually failed the lesson of the day because I couldn't stop talking to or annoying strangers. Normally, she would just grab my arm and drag me out of the elevator. After a month she announced that she was giving up and there was no cure for my overly interactive behaviour and my love of chatting with everyone. It was the first time that I realised that we are all strangers to people that don't know us. Then it made me want to communicate with others even more. Why are children taught not to talk to strangers?
Even in crowded spaces, such as on a subway, train, or bus, most of us, whether we want to or not, feel more comfortable staring at our mobile devices as opposed to saying hello to someone sitting next to us. In just observing people, most walk around looking at the ground or their phones. People seem frightened to look anyone in the eyes, smile, or simply say hello or nod their head as a greeting. People seem frightened to say hello even if you are coming out of your door or working in the garden. The confusing part is when you say hello to someone and they pretend they didn't hear you. That always makes me laugh and make a mental note to never speak to them again. The best part of meeting new people in different environments is the surprise of stimulating conversations that may lead to a great friendship.
Let's be clear, talking to strangers is not limited to commuting. Think back on your first day in a new job, everyone was a stranger. Or the first interview, a panel of strangers. Or, moving into a new community, apartment building, condo, or a new home -- everyone is a stranger, including you to everyone else. The best part of talking to people in my community that I don't know is that a bond an be developed. They often will look out for the little chatty neighbour that always say hello when he is taking a walk or running an errand. Do you remember what it was like on the first day of a new job? How did you become comfortable being a stranger in an office with a lot of strangers? For a moment, think about your best friends, weren't you all strangers when you first met?
Being a rather bold and outspoken person, I have asked people after a great conversation why they seemed afraid, initially, to talk to me? To my surprise, everyone has been very honest in their response. There have been a variety of answers, but the ones that stand out in my mind and helped me to understand include:
I was taught that Black people will rob or kill me, or both
I thought you were going to ask for money
I thought you may be trying to flirt or pick me up
I thought you were selling something
I never met someone so considerate, friendly, and thoughtful
So, what makes us reluctant to talk to someone that we don't know? Some people are naturally shy and afraid to approach someone they don't know. There may be awkwardness or fear that the other person may be rude or annoyed that a stranger is speaking to them. It's natural to feel skeptical when someone you don't know is trying to make a connection with you. Most people feel that it's an excuse to deceive or take advantage of a situation. Talking to unknown people is one of my favourite things to do every day of my life. On a day when I am unable to get out of the house, I feel sad not being able to socialise with others. Talking to people, whether I know them or not, is always a fun experience that allows me to learn new things about others, about the community, or information about good restaurants or shops. This week a friend introduced me to the owners of a fabulous restaurant where they make delicious Greek food. The owners made me feel like I was part of their family, and fed me delicious cookies and other desserts. I happily skipped home with Mousakka, and a few home-baked cookies out of the oven in my bag to share with the family. What would have happened if I didn't talk to the beautiful shop owners?
Rejection can play a big part in not wanting to talk to others. Many people are afraid of what another person may think of them and will create hundreds of reasons to simply not say 'hello'. A couple of weeks ago I went walking around a beautiful lake with a friend. To our surprise, there were many people out walking. I couldn't stop saying hello to everyone walking towards us. The conversation was easy to start, simply chatting about the beautiful masks, commenting on the colours they were wearing, and a few times playing with their young children or grandchildren. Once the ice was broken, deep conversations were held about the emotional trauma of COVID, what we missed, talked of families and friends, and of course, being able to travel again. Conversations ventured into sharing stories about the best places to walk and enjoy the beauty of nature. Names were often exchanged and even email addresses if it felt like the right thing to do. It's amazing how much fun you can have with someone you've never seen or spoken to before. We are all strangers until we say hello and acknowledge each other.
One of the biggest fears is not knowing how to start a conversation with an unknown person, or how to keep it going. Sometimes we overthink the situation. For me, it's following your intuition or your gut feelings about another person. Often while shopping in our local grocery store, people of all ages will smile at me and say hello. Often, if an elderly person is having a difficult time, I will offer to help them. The love that comes through their smile with a huge thank you always makes my day very special. I use to think that young people were too preoccupied with their mobile devices to have a conversation, but over and over again I have been proven wrong. Recently I popped into the market to pick up one item but ended up grabbing 5 or 6 items, trying to pack them into my backpack that could barely hold an apple. One of the young clerks came over and engaged me in a conversation about shopping when you are hungry. Neither of us could stop laughing as we became acquainted. I was surprised with joy. In the local bakery one day I went in to order coffee scrolls. I simply said, "I would like four coffee scrolls, please". The young man responded with, "How are you today and how was your weekend?" I said, great and he stared at me and said, "Why was it great, what did you do on the weekend?" His reaction reminded me of myself. His facial expression was authentic and he was genuinely interested, so I shared with him and in return asked about his weekend. From that day forward, no matter where I am, he offers a warm greeting. These incidents make my heart beat with joy and happiness.
A new book that I am reading now is called, The Power of Strangers: The Benefits of Connecting in a Suspicious World, by Joe Keohane. So far, I am loving it. He is sharing all the wonderful insights that my mother didn't share with me. I highly recommend it.
So, are you ready for your homework? Each day or at least 3-times per week, I would like you to say hello or engage someone you may not have spoken to before. Try not to overthink the situation. Sometimes a hello and a smile are enough to make someone very happy. The key is to do it without any expectations. It's part of showing kindness to another person. We never know how the kindest words can turn someone's bad day into a terrific day.
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