Disappointments

Disappointments seem to be a part of our everyday life since I can remember hearing adults say it to each other with a sad or angry expression on their faces. I can also remember them saying it to us children. We weren't sure what the word meant, but we soon learned that it wasn't anything to be proud of. I never thought much about it until today and I stopped to ponder how and why do we set ourselves up to be disappointed over and over again, and is there a way to never be disappointed again?

As a young boy, I remember getting a C+ as my math grade in third grade. I always hated mathematics and was proud of myself. I arrived home from school and glowed as I presented my report card to my mother. Within seconds, I knew that I had done something wrong. She ignored the As and Bs in all the other subjects and told me how disappointed she was that I wasn't doing well in math. I can remember tearing up and promising to strive to do better. I strived throughout my entire education to make good grades in math, even if I had to cheat and write the answers on the palm of my hands in an attempt to make my mother proud of me. The ironic part is that she never asked me again about my grades in math.

I can remember the excitement as a young boy counting down the days when I would get to go to my first carnival with merry-go rounds, bumper cars, cotton candy, candied apples, haunted houses, and ferris wheels. I could barely sleep at night thinking about all the fun that my friends and I would have together. Do you remember your first fun event? I remember jumping up and down for a double scoop of strawberry ice cream. Licking it as fast as I could, I became distracted by the people dressed as animals and clowns and stumbled and dropped my ice cream on the ground. I can still remember staring at it as it tumbled to the ground in slow motion on one of the hottest days of the year. I immediately dropped to the ground to try to scoop it up, but it was too late. My mother was disappointed and yelled at me, my friends laughed at me, and I started to cry because I knew that I would not get another one. That was my first big memorable experience of disappointment. My mother was disappointed because her money was wasted by my youthful carelessness. I was disappointed because I only had a few licks. Luckily for me, my friends allowed me to have a few licks of their ice cream, but I was disappointed the entire day.

Over time I have learned that disappointments meander in and out of our lives constantly. Just a couple of months ago, disappointment knocked on my door to inform me that all of my plans were being cancelled until further notice and that mandatory restrictions would place us back into lockdown as a result of COVID. It doesn't seem to matter how often it occurs, all of our plans get knocked to the back burner and everything has to be rescheduled for a later date. Each and every time, the feeling of disappointment slams me for a loop. I keep telling myself to not plan for anything fun or exciting for fear of it being canceled, but that's not a good way to live one's life.

So what is a disappointment? Disappointment is sadness or displeasure caused by the non-fulfilment of one's hopes or expectations. So many people over the years have advised me to stop having expectations of anyone or anything, that way I wouldn't get disappointed. While driving one day and obeying all the traffic laws, another vehicle decided to pause briefly and roll through the stop sign. All the other drivers, including myself screamed at them for being an asshole. My friend looked at me and calmly said, "Why are you so upset?" I explained that the other person is suppose to stop, not pause, when they come to a stop sign. With a half smirk on their face, they said, "Tell me, why do you expect someone to stop at a stop sign?" The comment caught me off guard and made me stop and think. I didn't have a logical answer and I started to laugh nervously. It was yet another valuable lesson that I learned. Each and every day as I watch the news and see angry people driving into crowds of peaceful protestors for equal rights, or many participating in LGBTQ events and parades, it no longer surprises or shocks me that a racist idiot will drive into a crowd of people with the intention to kill them without thinking that they will probably spend the rest of their life behind bars in prison. I also watch people enter establishments or ride public transportation without a mask. If anyone says anything, a fight or an argument will usually commence because many of those people are looking for a reason to attack someone. I have discovered that it's best to protect myself and not try to control what anyone else is doing. It doesn't make sense to me, but I no longer care. I don't expect anyone to stop doing anything just because it's a law. It's not my role or job to control people.

Often, we all believe there is something that we must have in order to be happy and fulfilled. To be honest, I am not even sure where or how this figment of our imagination was created. As a result of it, many of us often set ourselves up for failure or to be disappointed. Feeling disappointed about events or things in our personal life is unfortunately, a common experience. It sucks, but it helps to know the situation will pass. Being able to cope with disappointments can be a defining moment in our lives. Many people that I know seek to avoid disappointment by being an underachiever and keep the expectation bar very low. Many know they can excel, but they fear failure or disappointing themselves or others. Others seek to avoid it by struggling to be an overachiever, setting unattainable goals or expectations for themselves and possibly for those involved with them.

One of the most difficult disappointments is when we have high expectations of others. It can occur in a variety of situations. In business it happens often. I can remember when I was being promoted into a new position and there were several candidates applying my old job. My boss at the time conducted many meetings with me to brainstorm about the best candidate for the position. After several intense meeting we agreed on the best applicant who was someone that was perfect, well trained and familiar with our priority audience. I was excited and struggled to keep the news to myself. On the day of the announcement, I was shocked and very disappointed. My boss announced that one of his relatives, just graduating from college had been selected. Everyone in the office faked their approval, except for me. I felt that I had disappointed my colleague who was by far the best person for the position and I was disappointed to have spent so many hours helping my boss with knowledge to choose the best person. Unlike most people, my disappointment twisted with disgust and anger that led me to resign my new position and seek employment elsewhere. I am still not sure if it was the right decision, the disappointment led me out of the door into the streets. To be honest, I am not sure what I would do today if the same situation came for a visit. I believed that losing my integrity was greater than mere disappointment.

Dealing with disappointments is not an easy task, but it is a possible task to achieve. Here are a few things that life has taught me in order to facilitate my way through various disappointments that life presents:

• Plan new things. It helps to have a Plan A, Plan B and even a Plan C.

• It helps to make a list of your potential plans and goals.

• Being flexible is essential. I won't lie, disappointments may be painful for a moment

• Being grateful is a daily practice of mine that keeps me grounded and in a state of kindness.

• Learn to accept and recognise your feelings. Some disappointments feel very personal, often like an attack. It's important to validate your emotions.

• Acknowledge within yourself that disappointments will pass as soon as you allow them to disappear.

• Be aware of your self talk and what you are saying to yourself. Often the talk can keep us in a state of anger or sadness.

• And finally, it really does help to replace every negative thought, situation, or disappointment with three positive thoughts.

Remember, it doesn't matter how strong we are as individuals, we can all be affected by disappointments. The key is to be in touch with our minds, bodies and spirit, to address each and every disappointment so that we can move on and not be caught in a web of sadness, regret, sorry or dismay. We all have the power to soar to greatness.