Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is one of the most difficult realities to talk about and one of the most misunderstood. From the outside, people often ask the same questions: Why does it happen? Why do people stay? Why doesn’t someone just leave? But the truth is, it rarely begins the way people imagine. It doesn’t start with violence. It starts quietly with control, with words, with small shifts that are easy to dismiss. And over time, those small moments build into something much harder to recognise, and even harder to escape.

What is Domestic Violence? Domestic violence is defined as a pattern of abusive behaviour in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. There was a time when I believed that domestic violence was only about physical abuse, but later learned that it's psychological, verbal, emotional, and systematic. Domestic violence is one of the most difficult realities to talk about and one of the most misunderstood. From the outside, people often ask the same questions: Why does it happen? Why do people stay? Why doesn’t someone just leave? But the truth is, it rarely begins the way people imagine. It doesn’t start with violence. It starts quietly with attention, with affection, with moments that feel intense and meaningful. And then, slowly, almost invisibly, something begins to shift. A comment here. A boundary crossed there. A subtle change in tone. Over time, those small moments build into something much harder to recognise and even harder to escape.

Many unhealthy relationships don’t announce themselves at the beginning. They can feel exciting. Intense. Even comforting.

• Constant attention can feel like care.

• Strong opinions can feel like protection.

• Jealousy can be mistaken for love.

But over time, these behaviours can begin to take on a different meaning. Questions turn into monitoring. Concern turns into control. Affection becomes conditional. And because the changes are gradual, they’re often explained away.

At its core, domestic violence is not just about physical harm, it’s about power and control.

That control can show up in many ways through:

• Isolation – limiting contact with friends, family, or support systems.

• Emotional manipulation – making someone question their own thoughts or memory.

• Financial control – restricting access to money or independence.

• Monitoring behaviour – needing to know where someone is all the time, who they’re with, and what they’re doing every moment they are away. Texting every 5 minutes can be controlling but disguised as simply caring.

• Unpredictable reactions – creating an environment where someone is always on edge.

These patterns don’t just affect what someone does but how someone thinks, feels, and sees themselves.

One of the most difficult aspects to understand from the outside is how deeply this kind of environment can affect a person over time. Even the strongest person can be tricked into believing they are the problem. The tactics are not always visible or easy to unscramble. Internally, daily routines may begin to shift. Over time, it's not just behaviour that changes, it's the loss of one's identity. Individuals in these relationships may notice:

• Confidence begins to fade.

• Decisions feel harder to make.

• Speaking up feels risky and could explode into an argument.

• Silence feels safer.

Over time, it's not just behaviour that changes its identity. The person who once was confident, independent, and certain can slowly feel out of reach.

What are the types of domestic violence? There are several types that you may or may not be aware of. Here are some of the most recognisable ones that you may have witnessed or been a victim of during your relationships:

• Verbal

  • Name calling, yelling, be-little or using harmful sarcasm.

• Physical

  • Hitting, slapping, or any physical harm.

• Emotional

  • Manipulation, or actions that undermine someone's self-worth.

• Financial

  • Controlling someone's access to money or resources to make them dependent.

• Sexual

  • Any non-consensual sexual activity or coercion.

• Technological / Digital

• Using technology to stalk, harass, monitoring online activities or sharing private content without consent.

The question that most people ask is why don't they just leave? When you are in this type of relationship, leaving isn't a simple decision. There are real and complex reasons why people stay in violent relationships. Most people fear the escalation, retaliation, or harm if they run away. Often, individuals hope that things will go back to how great they once were, but they never do. It takes a lot to leave a negative relationship, a strong support network or connection to others is necessary. Usually, the abusive person will destroy any relationship their partner may have with friends on the outside. One of the primary reason someone may stay in an abusive relationship is their financial dependence which is a major part of control. For many, it's not a question of wanting to leave. It's a question of how and whether it's safe to do so.

Women account for a little over half of the perpetrators. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control & Prevention, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will experience physical violence by their intimate partner at some point during their lifetimes. About 1 in 3 women and nearly 1 in 6 men experience some form of sexual violence. The trauma of being abused can lead to feelings of worthlessness, low self-esteem, and even suicidal thoughts. In addition to emotional distress, physical injuries are also common among male victims and survivors of domestic abuse. Studies also show that men often don't report their experiences of abuse because they themselves minimise it and fail to label such experiences as domestic violence. Men also fear that they will not be taken seriously by authorities. If someone is in this situation, what matters most is not pressure, but support. We must learn to listen without judgment, offer our help without forcing decisions, and encourage connection to trusted people or services.

If you or someone you know may be experiencing domestic violence, reaching out to a local support service, helpline, or trusted organization can be an important first step. No one has to navigate this alone. Domestic violence doesn't always leave visible marks, but it always leaves an impact. It reshapes confidence, identity, and the way someone moves through life. And because it often begins quietly, it can be difficult to recognise, even for the person experiencing it. Understanding really matters. The more we understand the patterns, the less invisible they become, the more space we create for awareness, support, and for the possibility of change.