As a young boy growing up, there was nothing more important to me than being with my mother's family. My biggest delight was playing games and laughing with all my cousins. My mother was one of twelve children, 3 boys and 9 girls. Most of our aunts spoiled us but taught us valuable life lessons.
Regardless of one's social status, religion, gender, or the colour of your skin, we were all exposed to some family trauma that we remember. So many families demanded that the oldest child, usually a boy, had to work in the family business whether they wanted to or not. Often choices to decide one's own life didn't exist. Hopefully it's not a family ritual like in the past.
Even with the strictness of my mother, my siblings and I loved and respected her unconditionally. Don't get me wrong, most of the time we didn't agree with her decisions or rules that had to be followed without question. There were terrible punishments often for not obeying the rules. Being the youngest of three children, by the age of 6 or 7, I learned how to play the role of the "good" little boy. Sometimes, I would forget that I was pretending to be the perfect child and ask too many questions. Soon enough I was reminded that I had violated the rule.
Being young and naive, I assumed that all families were the same. I soon learned that families were all different and kept many secrets they felt necessary to protect their children. From a young age, I can remember my mother and some of her siblings speaking a language I didn't understand. Several of my cousins and I were very curious and would pretend to play games in the lounge room while struggling to eavesdrop on what was being discussed. Often the word "piti" would be used to refer to us children listening. The next phrase that I never understood until I became older was "Little pitchers have big ears." Parents used this phase to signal each other that their little children (pitchers) were listening in on something that was not meant for their ears (handles on the pitchers). That was our cue to go outside and play. Many years later I asked my mother about the language they were speaking and initially, she denied it and finally said they were speaking Creole as many did in Louisiana, but she never discussed more although I had many questions that I continued to ask. Children were not taught other languages because our parents' generation believed that speaking another language could lead to further discrimination they had experienced as children. Many of my friends had similar stories with their immediate family members.
When talking with many friends, colleagues, and casual acquaintances it became clear how many family issues caused family trauma. Family trauma can affect an entire family unit and is often discussed in conjunction with generational trauma or trauma that is passed through generations. Whether the cause of the trauma is a one-time thing or a series of occurrences, trauma is often difficult to understand and defend against at the time.
What is Trauma? Trauma is an event or circumstance resulting in:
Physical Violence
Emotional Abuse
Sexual Abuse
Verbal Abuse
Control
Passive/Active Aggression
Manipulation
Stories shared by others often bring tears to my eyes of how children and women were treated. Although it was a different time in history, many of the same types of abuses still exist today. Repeatedly, I have been told how cruel, demanding, and controlling fathers were to their families. It makes me happy to have grown up without one. During a certain time, fathers were the heads of all households and set strict rules that wives and children had to follow. Young girls were expected to get married by the age of 18 years-old to start a family, whether they wanted to or not. Boys were also expected to get married and have children to carry the family name. Many boys were also told what their occupation would be in the future. Children listened to heated abusive arguments by their fathers against their mothers or watched them being brutally abused for something as minor as setting the table incorrectly, running out of milk or bread, giving their opinion, or simply having ideas about their relationship or life in general. Children have been abused physically, verbally, and sexually by fathers or stepfathers while mothers turned a blind eye because they feared for their lives.
Several people shared with me how their fathers were womanizers and if questioned by their wives, the verbal and physical abuse would begin. Many of the men would come home smelling of perfume or with lipstick smears on their faces or on the collars of their shirts that the wives would have to wash without any questions. I can't imagine how difficult that would have been for the woman. I only know that I would be in prison for murder.
Then there is religion, a place where you could go for protection, a safe place. Unfortunately, young boys and girls were often raped or molested by priests pretending to console them in the name of God. Sadly, this behaviour is still happening today as priests are allowed to ask for forgiveness before moving on to the next child. This was an issue that children were not able to share with their parents because they would be called a liar and punished. If a parent would have approached the catholic church or the local Archdiocese, the charges would have been eliminated. Can you imagine growing up as a young boy or girl carrying this trauma for the rest of their life as an adult?
One of my friends with a Spanish background was not allowed to play with his friends on a warm summer day. His mother wanted to protect him from racial discrimination if his skin became too dark. In addition, his family decided not to teach the children Spanish although all the elders spoke it every day. Once again, it was all about protecting children so they would not have an accent when they grew up and entered the job market or college. The key message was to fit in by any means necessary.
Another colleague shared with me how she was tortured by her mother most of her adult life because she chose to attend college and a professional career over rushing to get married and have children. So, her mother expressed anger and sadness that her daughter was a lesbian and shared her view with anyone who would listen. She was and is not a lesbian, but she is committed to her work. Although she is very happy with her choices, she can often visualise the disappointment on her mother's face that she can never erase from her memory.
Several of my gay friends shared heart-warming stories of how they were treated as a disappointment to their parents when they came out, especially by their fathers. Many mothers didn't approve but tried to understand and support their sons as much as possible. More than not, many LGBTQ males and females were abused verbally and physically by their parents and kicked out of their homes at a young age. They were also bullied and beaten while attending school. Many friends left home when they were teenagers because of the redundant messages that they would never be good enough or accepted. Many still believe it.
During childhood, we all lacked the tools to understand when something bad or dysfunctional was happening, only believing that the trauma had to be endured until there was an escape plan. According to Psychology Today, here are some of the most common traits of individuals who may have experienced family trauma:
People-pleasing behaviours. Children who had to fight for the attention of their caregivers learned how to engage in people-pleasing skills. Instead of having to endure the emotional pain of a caregiver dismissing them, children learned that making them happy made life easier.
Perfection or high achievement. Those who grew up in emotionally neglectful situations tend to thrive under high stress but are also prone to perfectionism.
Comparing themselves to others. Some level of comparison is a normal part of being human. However, if you notice yourself constantly comparing yourself with everyone, this could be a sign of low self-esteem or low self-confidence, because of neglectful experiences.
Avoiding relationships. If we were hurt or abandoned in childhood, the fear of getting hurt again can keep us in fear of getting close to others. Avoiding relationships with others can often mean avoiding emotional pain. Those who jump from one relationship to another are trying to fill the void of their childhood attachment wounds. It's an effort to try to prove we are worthy of love and affection, healing the inner voice inside us that constantly tells us we are not.
Need to fix others. Growing up in an environment filled with dysfunction may carry the need to help and heal others into their adult relationships.
Self-medicating with substances. Those experiencing pain are often looking for ways to numb it. There is a linkage between substance misuse or addiction and trauma.
Difficulty expressing emotions. To grow up in a home where emotions were frowned upon, dismissed, or even ridiculed, sets us up for a lifetime of discomfort expressing uncomfortable emotions.
Many friends shared wonderful experiences of being a part of a loving family with me too. Hearing their stories still makes me smile at how their parents were exceptional at loving, accepting, and encouraging them to be themselves because they were enough. It paved the way for them to make decisions, good or bad, without being terrified of making a mistake.
Becoming a man led me to select and create my own family. Life lessons taught me that not all families need to be related by blood. For the past 40 years, I have created the best family of loving and caring true friends. They are the ones that I can call at 3A in any time zone to share a cocktail, a cup of coffee, or just to cry or laugh together even if it's in person or via Zoom. Those true friends always seem to know when something is wrong, even without us having a conversation. In my large blood family, I have only remained close to one cousin, even to this day. She was more than a cousin, but always a friend that I could trust. There is never a day that I regret cutting the ties of bullshit with family. My favourite family member whom I love with all my heart is my nephew who is also my true friend.
If interested, please share family trauma stories you may have heard and any ideas on confronting and dismantling it would be helpful for those silent voices.
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