Do you have a fear of death? The fear of dying is quite common, and most people believe that it's scary to even think about. Many of those within my network of friends believe that it's something that should never be talked about with others. Most people believe that death only occurs when we get old with various illnesses. To be honest, death can occur at any age. The secret to stop being afraid of death is to confront the fears associated with it. Many of our fears tend to come from watching various television series or films where someone succumbs to a painful death.
As a young boy, my mother would talk to my siblings and me about death and how it was something to look forward to and not to fear. What good would it do to worry about something that you have no control over. Erma Bombeck, an American humorist said, "Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere." You can certainly strive to live a healthy life, but death is always the end of the story for all of us. The time of occurrence may vary, but the final chapter is the same for everyone. It doesn't matter if you are rich or poor, money can't buy you more years when our time is up. Since the age of 7, I was taught to embrace death and to help those that are close to me accept it and live life to the fullest. While some fear is healthy because it makes us more cautious, some people may also have an unhealthy fear of dying. It's not really negotiable when the time comes.
Here are some of the reasons people fear death:
Fear of Pain and Suffering - Many people fear that when they meet death, they will experience excruciating pain and suffering. This fear is common in many healthy people, as well as in patients dying of cancer or other terminal illnesses. Unfortunately, many people do not realise that palliative care can help alleviate pain and other distressing symptoms.
Fear of the Unknown - Death remains the ultimate unknown because no one in human history has survived it to share what really happens after we take our last breath. Most people see death as a horrible experience and for some it may be while for others it can be a lovely ride.
Fear of Eternal Punishment - Like the fear of non-existence, this belief does not apply only to devout believers of religious or spiritual faith. Many people, regardless of their religious persuasion or lack of spiritual beliefs may fear they will be punished for what they did, or did not do, while here on earth. However, many Christians continue to do horrible things to other people and feel that they can just ask for forgiveness, making them safe. This always makes me laugh. Lessons in life continue to demonstrate how religious freaks interpret words from their bible to harm others simply because of the colour of their skin, to steal their land, or if they believe in a different faith.
Fear of Loss of Control - Everyone wants to control the situations we encounter, but death remains something over which we have no control. Lack of control frightens many people. Regardless of how careful we may try to be in our daily activities to avoid risks or frequent health checks, the end is always the same for everyone.
Fear for our loved ones - Another very common death fear focuses on the worry of what will happen to those entrusted to our care if we die. Parents might worry about their children who also worry about their elderly parents. While others in the prime of their life may feel afraid of leaving a life partner or spouse alone due to death.
In the 1980s, living through the AIDS crisis in San Francisco was a rude awakening for me.
There was a mysterious illness that overwhelmed almost every city in America. Like many of my friends, we were naive and didn't understand the mixed messages being released by the media. It was initially described as a cancer that only white gay men contracted. I lost count of the number of friends that died. The love of my life contracted it and was diagnosed on Valentine's Day in 1987 when huge spots appeared on his body called Kaposi's Sarcoma. I still have mental pictures of what San Francisco, Los Angeles, and New York looked like during this time. Death was everywhere you looked. Gay men looked like skeletons, struggling to survive. Our communities changed when lesbians or gay women stepped up to care for many who were struggling to survive. Seeing them work night and day still makes me proud.
My partner, David, died in December 1989. I started to work for the San Francisco AIDS Foundation as an HIV Educator. Just like today, I had very strong opinions. Several times I was placed on probation for going against the rules. My team and I would educate everyone which included all people of colour and women. I was warned to stop talking to people of colour because gay white men would never sleep with a Black, Latino, or Asian man. I refused to stop and finally submitted my resignation and started my own public relations and marketing firm to educate underserved communities that were not receiving the correct information about their health. Medical facilities also discriminated against people of colour and refused to treat them or provide them with the medication needed to help them survive. Those days are etched in my mind. After 40+ years, I still miss my friends and often smile when something reminds me of them.
I was fortunate to have a circle of strong friends who survived the madness and helped to hold me up so I could keep fighting against injustices. One of the people that gave me strength was my mother. I remember us having a serious conversation about death and how to live life to the fullest and to help those in need. She said we were similar because all her friends were dying because of old age and my friends were dying from the disease. That was the day we bonded and supported each other for the rest of her life. At the age of 80, my mother decided that it was time to say goodbye. It wasn't a sad time because she kept me laughing with funny stories and she shared that death is inevitable. She talked about her life, fun with her many siblings, and good times raising her children to be strong and resilient like our ancestors. One day while I was bathing her, she told me that she was giving me her two-week notice. We giggled and I said so you are quitting your job as my mama? We laughed together and she said, "No boy, I am going to shut things down because if am tired of being sick and tired." Without fail, in two weeks, she died with a smile on her face.
There are a few items that every family should discuss about planning for one's final ride that includes:
Writing a Will - By creating a will, all the pertinent information will be included on what the recipient wants and who they want to be involved in the process. A will can be done online or with an attorney.
Power of Attorney - A power of attorney or letter of attorney is a written authorisation to represent or act on another's behalf in private affairs, business, or some other legal matter.
Durable Power of Attorney - An enduring Power of Attorney can be used when a person has lost capacity but must be appointed beforehand. As many people get older, they may start to show signs of dementia or Alzheimer's disease. A person or persons must be designated to facilitate many difficult decisions.
Estate Planning - If there is property involved, it would be wise to create a clear plan on what should happen to it.
Planning - While a person is still well, it's a great idea to consider if they would like a funeral or to be cremated. It helps to be explicit about all the details. For example, if someone wants to be cremated, where do they want the ashes to be placed. If someone is planning a funeral, they will usually research all the information and purchase what's needed in advance. It often reduces the stress of family members. My mother had everything planned and paid for many years before her death. She even selected the flowers that she wanted and loved.
I can still remember my mother saying to me, "Little red bean, never miss a day of living your life to the fullest and enjoying the love of your true friends." Rosemary Clooney, a great singer, made me stop in my tracks when I first heard her sing, The Secret of Life, written by James Taylor. Every word of the song is a life lesson that my mother wanted me to understand and enjoy the ride of life. Give it a listen when you get a quiet moment and let me know your thoughts.
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