Good Manners

As I get older, I am often shocked by things that I am thinking and more appalled when words flow out of my mouth. I always look around to see who voiced those words so loud and clear. It's usually me repeating things that my mother beat into my hard head sixty years ago. They are all the things I would roll my eyes at when my mom wasn't looking. Now I find myself sounding just like she did so very long ago. She taught me and my siblings good manners and forced us to practice them with each other. We certainly didn't practice any of them when she wasn't home, or if we were playing marbles and cards during church services in the back row.

Today, I often wonder if good manners are a thing of the past. The best part of venturing out on my walks and trips to the park to meditate is watching and observing everything that moves or breathe. I wanted to believe that young people were the only rude people in society, but that was a misjudgement on my part. My alarming observation revealed that being rude or displaying the lack of good manners has nothing to do with one's race, gender, sexual preference, age, nationality, or religion. Many people possess bad manners because they were never taught by their parents, or their parents were never taught by their parents. Teaching manners is similar to the domino effect. If I learnt good manners as a child, it's almost certain that I will teach my children, nephews, or nieces how to demonstrate good manners towards all people. However, the same rule applies if you were never taught such skills, so why would you teach them to your children or relatives?

I am often shocked how young school kids refuse to allow older people, ones with disabilities, or even pregnant women to sit down on a crowded bus or subway. Even men don't notice or care if a pregnant woman is struggling while standing or if an older person using a walker could easily fall down. I still get a sting deep inside and always offer my seat to someone needing it more. When I lived in San Francisco, the train line that I took to get to and from work was always crowded to the max. One morning on my way to work, an elderly man was struggling with several bags. Everyone looked at their mobile devices when he came aboard. I immediately touched his arm and offered him my seat. The initial expression of shock on his face turned to gratitude as he gave me the biggest smile, saying thank you, young man. To be honest, it made my day and even remembering the event makes me smile and feel special. Days later, I was heading home from work and as usual, the T-line was jammed packed. To my surprise I felt a soft touch on my arm. Initially, I ignored it, but the patting didn't stop. It was the elderly man looking at me and smiling. English was not his first language, but he was happy to see me and tried to talk with me. He insisted that I share a seat with him which I did, and he was so proud, and I was grateful because it had been a gruelling day that I considered murder as an option to eliminate several incompetent staff members. This sweet man saved their lives. I saw him weekly, and we always greeted each other with huge smiles. Each time, everyone's expression was that of surprise that the two most unlikely people were chatting, laughing together, and sharing food. He did teach me a few greetings in Cantonese like thank you, sorry, hello, please, and goodbye. Whether or not I can remember how to say them, is another story.

Years ago, I would get my knickers in a knot if I was polite to someone, and the act of kindness was not appreciated. To protect my emotional state, I decided one day to not expect anyone to show appreciation for the kindness shown to them. I realised that an unappreciative person should not have any impact on how the next person on my path is treated by me. And as I watch people today, many of them still behave the way rude people behaved 10 or more years ago. I was always taught to hold a door for someone coming in behind me, and to always express thanks if someone was showing kindness towards me. Or, to allow women to enter and exit an elevator before me, or to hold the elevator door for someone running to catch it. On my first visit to the Sofitel Hotel in Melbourne, there were a number of rude women in the elevator. I ignored them and didn't waste any kindness towards them. However, there was one woman on the elevator that didn't rush off as I held the door for her. She looked at me with the highest respect and said, I can't exit before our guest, I am a maid here. It caught me by surprise because I didn't notice her uniform or name tag. I only noticed that she was the nicest person in a packed elevator. I explained to her that my parents taught me to always let the woman exit first out of respect. She was afraid that she would get into trouble, but we made sure no one was looking. Once we exited, she started to cry and thank me for my kindness and respect. Amazing how such a small expression of kindness on my part, impacted her so greatly. The smile on our faces are memorable. I still do those things, but without expecting the sheer mention of the foreign word that is hardly used, 'thank you'.

A few weeks ago on public transportation, someone stepped on my foot, turned to look at me to see if it was a foot that they stepped on, starred at me, and went back to staring at their mobile phone. I laughed out loud for about 10 seconds and they look embarrassed, but weren't able to say that simple word, 'sorry'. I am grateful to not be working in an office or living with people of this calibre. It's also impossible to approach the topic with people that I use to know because they seem to live in a state of denial in regards to their rudeness. They expect doors to be held open for them, a thank you to be given, or an apology if someone trips over their bags blocking an aisle, but they believe they deserve everything. Again, watching them makes me laugh uncontrollable.

Just this week, I watched two angry women with baskets full of food in the local grocery store competing to see who could get in the shortest line first. As they manoeuvre back and forth as if they were competing at the Grand Prix, they never noticed they were preventing other customers from just getting in a line to check out. I watched them with curiosity as one of them almost hit me with her basket. Did she apologise, of course not and I would have fainted if either of them could recite the alphabets correctly. I continued to watch with an amused expression on my face as I was holding my tiny bundle of 7 or 8 items. One of the cashiers that closed his line and was preparing to go home at the end of his shift, must have been watching the entire show. Prior to shutting down completely, he walked over and said in a rather strong voice, " Mikael, you don't have very much today, let me check you out then I will go home." I looked at them both and smiled. The cashier remembers me, like many of them there because of the respect and kindness that I always show to people, especially those dealing with customers all day. It made my day. Did they learn anything from the experience - I doubt it.

When I was an elementary and middle school teacher, I added teaching the practice of good manners, kindness, and respect. My students learned to respect each other, to always say excuse me, thank you and to apologize when they were in the wrong. They were also taught not to interrupt someone speaking or not to cut someone off in a conversation. We would often play games and pretend we were at a restaurant having dinner so they could understand how to use their eating utensils. The boys were taught to always open car doors for girls and women, especially when they would start dating. They all laughed and thought it was time to have fun with the funny little teacher. The favourite lesson of the boys was to never enter an elevator before a girl or woman and when walking with a woman, even if it was their mother, or their sister, to always walk on the outside, closest to the street to show respect and protection. Many of these old customs no longer exists, but I still practice them.

So, what changed with me? Well, age has an interesting way of teaching some of us to set priorities and focus on the things that mean the most to us, and to ignore those that do not. I continue to show kindness and good manners to all people, but I don't expect anything in return. The lesson that I have learned is to make mental notes of rude people that I have encountered when doing daily tasks. Without fail, the same rude people will show up and expect you to say hello or to hold a door for them. It never happens a second time with me. I am the type of person that says hello to everyone, especially if we live in the same area or if I visit a place of business several times during the week. I have learned that people deserve to be treated the way they treat others. No less and nothing more.

The next time you are out having a coffee, shopping, or taking a walk in the beautiful sunshine, observe what's happening around you. Notice how parents and children talk to each other. Is it respectful or disrespectful? Check out rude people driving, cutting in line, or showing signs of being a bully. There is no need to comment or to even stare, just make a mental note and file it away for later. Take my word for it, good manners, kindness, and politeness comes with many unexpected rewards. I am sure my mother is somewhere peeking around a corner smiling that all of her lessons and hard work are paying off.