One of the hardest lessons that I am finally learning in life is to stop expecting people to behave the way I want them to behave and for things to happen the way I want them to happen, even if I cross every T and dot every single I. It's tough to accept this, but each and every day I am struggling to let it go.
From the moment we are born, expectations are put on us by our parents, our teachers in school, our friends, our family members, by the community, by society and if you are religious by your pastor, minister or priest. When you are young, you don't give it much thought but you try very hard to live up to those expectations. Early on I was expected to be a good boy and to do good in school so that I could be accepted into college. That one seemed easy. Now that I am a man I understand how most of the expectations that I was taught to believe and achieve were false and set me up for failure on many levels.
As a boy I was taught to say hello to every person that I met on the streets and to expect them to respond with a hello or at least a smile. When the expectation was not received my mind told me that the other person didn't like me for a variety of reasons that focused on the colour of my skin. Then came an exercise in being kind and holding the door for strangers and expecting them to say thank you. Or if someone bumped into you or stepped on your foot, expecting them to say I am sorry, or if someone was trying to go pass, always expected them to say excuse me. Everything worked well in the community where I was living as a child because everyone taught their children the same expectations. Most of us believed that this would prepare us for the real world. We didn't realise that not all children were taught the same rules and in fact, we would never be considered equal.
It didn't take long for my ball of expectations to be deflated. High school told me that I was full of myself to think that I could be accepted into a college and that smart people of colour should focus on planning for the future by going to a vocation school to learn a trade like repairing cars, being a plumber, a butler, a carpenter, or a window washer. None of these are bad professions today, but to say this to a 17-year old boy was like throwing a pot of water on my head. I still believed in my expectations and studied hard for the college exam and got accepted into a Catholic college although I was not Catholic. That was easy. The hard part was being one of six Black students in an all White university of 3,000 where I was treated by the students like an alien from a different planet. Once again, my expectations were destroyed. For me, expectations became a generational and cultural thing. I kept expecting to be treated as an equal since I had made it thus far.
As an adult I found myself year after year disappointed in the expectations that I created and placed on people in the workforce, in medical settings, in institutions of higher education and also in relationships. In the workforce I expected to find leadership that was fair, showing lots of equality and equity. There were very few places where I worked in my lifetime that came close to being equitable. In several medical facilities where I expected to be treated as any other patient seeking care, often I was treated as an alien, if at all, or given the wrong diagnosis. When I was working on my Master's degree at San Francisco State University, I expected to be treated with respect. One of my professors resented my viewpoint of not being willing to simply repeat her statements from a lecture on the class exam. I explained that it felt ridiculous to regurgitate her lecture and that it would show that we had a good memory, but were not using our minds. On the final she gave me a C minus which meant I had to retake the class or a similar class. I expected so much from her as a professional, but hated her for years later. Anyone that was outspoken like me and if they were of colour had to repeat the course. And yes, we did file grievances, but they were simply ignored. It didn't stop me, I kept moving, took another class and passed. In relationships, many of us have expectations of our partners or spouses but we simply forget to share those expectations with them, but expect them to know what we are thinking. Many years ago I expected perfection from my partners. The disaster was that I never, ever shared my thoughts of expectation with the person that I expected to perform like the perfect person I had created in my head.
For 20 years my partner has been trying to convince me to let go of expectations of others that I can't control. In 2020, I started to listen to what he had to say to me. Many times he would say, "if you don't expect, you will never be disappointed." Years ago I would get angry when I stopped at a stop sign and an approaching car would not stop, but would drive through the stop sign. I would scream and fly into a raging fit. The question asked was why do you expect the other person to stop? I angrily responded because it's a stop sign and drivers must stop at every stop sign, it's the law. Once I said it, I realised how ridiculous I sounded and how my life had been built around false expectations. These bizarre and nonsensical expectations would throw me into a bad mood. I have learned that I can only control one person, myself and I can't control how another person will react towards me or expect anyone to behave a certain way. In the bigger scheme of things it just doesn't matter at all. By the way, I am still struggling with it everyday but I am working on correcting the situation and changing the habit of being too judgmental. One of the hardest lessons for me is to stop expecting people to do their job. I finally stopped expecting anyone to do their job well, but to just do it, but that wasn't enough. Now I lecture myself to stop expecting anything to be done the way I would do it. Now I focus on myself and expectations of myself, the things that I can change and control. My goal for 2020 is to lower my expectations, there is no need for so much disappointment. My training in emotional intelligence taught me how to manage my emotions.
Time has taught me that expectations can be a happiness killer. Some of the fake expectations that I held onto for years included:
• Life should be fair
• Everyone should like me
• I must always do well
• Things will make me happy
Does any of these sound familiar to you?
This year, I have been taking an online class through Yale University called the Science of Wellbeing and it's excellent. The course focuses on why each of us make ourselves unhappy because we are more focused on things that we expect to make us happy. For example, that new car that we have been wanting, a new house or apartment, marrying that special person, getting that dream job, or buying that expensive outfit or high heels. We have been programmed to choose things that make us happy for a short period of time. Advertising makes us want things that they tell us will make us happier, better looking, or even thinner. According to research, the things that make people the happiest is taking a wonderful trip or vacation and sharing the great experiences with others. It's something that we can savour and never forget. It's also great spending time with true friends, laughing and teasing each other over a meal or even online today. Also practicing being grateful and kind to others. One of the exercises is to practice kindness on one day per week and to track it, you will be surprised by the great feeling you will receive. Even when you purchase a coffee for a friend or treat someone to a movie without any expectations will change the way you feel about yourself. Savouring helps me to step outside of my experiences, allowing me to notice things even more. One task that I love from the course is to spend 5 to 8 minutes thinking about happy memories. Believe it or not, mindful meditation also helps to reclaim one's happiness without fake expectations.
So what do I expect today? I expect to be surprised by whatever will come my way. I live in the present moment. Every experience is a lesson in life for me to strive to be a better person for me.
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