Have you ever experienced the feeling of homesickness? Whether you are going off to college, traveling abroad or moving to a new city, homesickness is a common emotional experience. Time has taught me that when feeling insecure or uncomfortable with new surroundings, the brain is saying that we are longing for that which is familiar, predictable, consistent and stable.
Throughout my life, I have relocated more times than I can remember, to live in different parts of the world. Each and every time enlightened me to new experiences, new languages and amazing adventures with great people. Each time has been a wonderful occurrence that helped me to mature and enjoy the beauty all around me.
Feelings of nostalgia often work its way into homesickness. Often I would find myself painting a mental picture of what was being missed. During these times it's normall to feel as if you are in the fight or flight mode. It can feel like the body is yelling something is wrong which often produces fear. When feelings of homesickness would enter the realm of my mind, body and soul; I would start making plans to return home.
That's no longer the plan or acceptable. Through lots of talking with myself, I came to a conclusion that it's normal to feel this way. The feelings are only temporary and it's the way change happens. That's when I noticed the muteness of the fire trucks coming to my rescue. It's all part of my transition to a new country that's very different from any place I have ever lived before.
A year ago I started feeling homesick. Initially I thought about the many ways that I missed San Francisco and America. After much thought, as painful as it was, I realised that I don't miss America at all and if I did, I would check myself into a mental institution and beg them to throw away the key. I now understand that like many people, I have been brainwashed too long to miss a place that I labeled home. In reality, the thought of calling America home or thinking of myself as an American makes me sick in my stomach. America is a country that would prefer to shoot me in my back until there are no bullets left, or to place a knee on my throat for 8 minutes and 46 seconds until I was no longer able to breathe in the Black skin that the land of the free, the brave and apparently the same country their so-called God taught them to hate. So why does my brain keeps insisting that I miss a place that hates me when I don't miss it at all?
Over the past few months I have conducted many interviews with myself to ascertain what I may be missing and why it's making me sad. As a boy, there was nothing I wanted more than to be loved by the country where I was born and to be treated as an equal. Today, I know that will never happen in my lifetime because of the centuries of a foundation of hatred built against anyone without white skin. After many hours of searching inside myself the answer was revealed. I don't miss home, because I have no home to miss, nor any allegiance. I finally understand what James Baldwin may have meant when he said, "A Man Without a Country", because that's me and so many others that look like me.
I am homesick for the most important thing in my life -- my true friends. Email, zoom and social media helps us to stay connected, but there is nothing like seeing each other in person. Traveling again to visit friends is at the top of my to do list once restrictions for international travel have been lifted. When chatting with friends and colleagues online, it's amazing how conversations pick up just where they left off, whether it's a month, six-months ago, or even a year.
Initially I believed that staying busy was the answer. I was wrong. Time has taught me that becoming engaged in my new environment is the answer, although in the beginning it felt rather frightening. Even as an extrovert, a push was needed to step outside of my comfort zone and learn the streets, talk to strangers in the neighbourhood, understand the strong accents, learn the slang words, and meet new people. It all takes me back to my life of marketing and communications, reminding me of the importance of building relationships instead of just networking.
This week, operation engagement is underway. With the help of many people, I found the nerves to stick my toe into the lake of engagements. I am proud to say that I have registered at the Centre of Adult Education to take an 11-week French class for beginners. I am thrilled to have the time and energy at the age of 100 to do such a thing. I have also enrolled in a full-day course called, Blog Basics. I am excited because it's an opportunity to learn something new or improve on things that I am presently doing. Staying focused on my mindful meditation practice has also played a significant role in staying focused. This is only the beginning of my adventure. The feeling of homesickness has disappeared and I am now focused on ways that I can better connect and engage with others. Looking forward to visiting you all for more fun times.
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