Saying goodbye to a friend or a loved one is never easy. Have you ever had to say goodbye to someone? If not, you are one of the lucky ones in this world. Trust me, it's never easy to let go of people. It's also difficult to say goodbye to a loyal dog or cat that has been a part of your life for many years. Saying goodbye to a loved one or friend is a deeply emotional experience that can involve a mix of sadness, love, reflection, and sometimes even relief, depending on the circumstances. It’s a moment that often marks the end of a chapter in life and can be approached in various ways depending on the relationship, the context of the goodbye, and the individuals involved.
Being a young man living through the HIV/AIDS epidemic, I lost over 50 friends, every single friend that I loved and respected except for two lucky ones. This was a time when all gay people were hated by the mainstream communities because they were determined to believe all the lies and misinformation that AIDS could be spread through the air or by touching someone. All lies, just like the lies and fake information that was released about COVID-19, except people gladly wore a mask if they thought a gay person might be in the room or nearby. For some reason wearing a mask during those days didn't seem to annoy anyone. It was a time when gay men were beaten for doing absolutely nothing. During these times, the medical facilities told everyone gay that they would be dead in 6-months. I can remember being ill with a bad cold and no doctor wanted to see me but told me that I would be dead soon because of HIV/AIDS. They also told all gay men to charge up their credit cards, travel, and buy expensive clothes by selling their life insurance so they could live life to the fullest. The saddest part was that we all believed them and charged up our credit cards. The unlucky ones like me and a couple of friends survived and spent most of our lives paying off our credit debt, purchased items we didn't need, even new cars that we never wanted.
Today, many decades later, I still smile when I think of all my beautiful young friends that always made me laugh. It was a time when we always had each other's backs. To this day, I miss each one of them. Death doesn't frighten me as much as all the diseases that we know nothing about. During the COVID pandemic, I lost many friends that I never got to say goodbye to, nor did I know they were very ill. I feel blessed to have been able to say goodbye to some of the dearest people in my life. The person that comes to mind first, is my mother. She was a tough character who taught me how to survive in a world of hatred, discrimination and racism. She taught me how to take care of myself and help others. I miss her a lot, but I still talk to her when needed. I took care of her the last years of her life. I moved her from Houston, Texas to the San Francisco Bay Area to my sister's house while working a full-time job for a marketing and advertising firm based in Washington, DC. I worked remotely from San Francisco. Each day, I spent hours with my mother from 6a to 3:30p until my sister came home from work. Then I would drive back to San Francisco in bumper-to-bumper traffic, look after my partner who was dealing with cancer, and continue working on the marketing project. I still don't understand how I survived those tough days. Amazing what love for others can create within you to help one survive.
One day, after about 2 years of climbing in bed with my mom to take a nap, she looked at me and told me that I looked like "Shit". We both laughed non-stop until we both almost pissed in our pants. Yep, she was hilarious and kept me laughing with some of the funniest stories ever heard about her life. She seriously looked at me and said while holding my hand, my sweet boy, you look horrible because you are not sleeping and doing so much work to be with me. I looked surprised as she continued. Then she said, "Now little one, I am giving you two weeks' notice that I will be leaving this earth for a better place, and I want you to rest and take care of yourself." Before I could speak, she giggled and said, "Now get my towel because it's time for you to bathe me before your sister comes home and tries to bathe me, she is just too rough." I grabbed the towel and filled the tub with bubbles. I helped her get in and she pulled me into the water too. We both laughed as I read the newspaper and told her funny stories. Two weeks to the day, my mother passed away. She got her wish.
During the HIV/AIDS Crisis, my beautiful partner named David was diagnosed with HIV/AIDS on Valentine's Day when I kept pushing him to see a doctor about the marks on his body that we later realised was Sarcoma Kaposi. In case you don't know what it is, Kaposi sarcoma is a type of cancer that forms in the lining of blood vessels and lymph vessels. The cancer forms growths of cells, called lesions, on the skin. The lesions often form on the face, arms and legs. The lesions may look pink, red, purple or brown. He was diagnosed with having AIDS on that day, the night of our special dinner to celebrate Valentine's Day. We did celebrate but we were both stressed and worried about the outcome of the next few months. David survived for another two years on very strong medication that killed many people as we later learned. He struggled to survive. On his last day, I asked him why he was holding on? Very clearly, he looked me in the eyes and spoke with a smile. He said, " I am too afraid to leave because you won't be able to take care of yourself without me." Then we both laughed, and I told him that I would be okay and manage since I was attending college to get a master's degree in education. We both laughed and cuddled, then he told me to go to visit my ex-partner that I always remained close to throughout my entire life, even today. He looked happy and at peace as he waved goodbye to me. I was happy. As I got halfway to my old friend's place, the nurse called me to say that David had passed away but was smiling as he told him how much he loved me and felt at peace. I immediately returned home to lay next to him.
In my late 20s, one of my best friends became ill. My heart was broken because he was the smartest man I have ever known, and he always had my back. He always gave me the best advice and helped me to get an apartment in his building in Oakland, CA. I admired him, and we laughed so much. Kenny was from Detroit, Michigan and his family demanded that he return so they could take care of him. As crushed as I was, I agreed and helped him to pack his things. I can still remember driving him to the airport. Once we arrived, chatted and laughed, he looked at me with his big brown eyes and said, " I will always love you no matter what, and I know that you will always love and remember me." Damn, he was so right. I never stop seeing his gorgeous face or thinking about him. Often, I start laughing thinking of funny stories he would share to perk me up.
One of the people I miss most in my life is my big brother. Being 10 years younger than him and 12 years younger than my sister, it was obvious that I was a pain in the butt for them. I still remember him pushing me around and rolling his eyes when either of them had to be responsible for the little nappy red-headed boy of a nuisance. Nevertheless, I loved him and my sister. At 18-years-old he joined the Airforce and went away. As a little boy, he or his friends would shove me to school every morning and walk me home after school. I thought it was odd, but now I realise that he was looking out for me in his own way. At the age of 18, I went off to college. I decided to come home for Thanksgiving, a big day of eating turkey with family and friends in America. My brother, that I called Bubba, came home to surprise me. I was excited. During his visit, he told me that he wanted to apologise for not being a better brother but promised to make it up to me because he loved me so much. I drove back to college, a very long 3 hours, but I was smiling the entire way. Once I got to my dormitory room, I chatted with my roommate and went to bed. I woke up from a horrible nightmare of being stabbed and the phone was ringing. It was my mother telling me to return home because my brother had been murdered. For some reason I knew everything before she spoke. In my pajamas, I jumped into my little car and drove back home. I can still hear his words whenever I think of him.
In 2022, I travelled back to the San Francisco Bay Area to visit my sister and her family. She had slipped into a state of dementia. I returned to help clean their two-level home she and her husband had turned into a project of hoarding. In a state of shock, I stayed and worked for 2 months to clean and organise the home. The cleaner things became, I could clearly see that my big sister was starting to feel more comfortable. After two months, I started preparing to return home. To my surprise, my sister was able to speak clearly. She said to me, "Take me with you, I don't want to stay here without you, please take me out of here." I was shocked that she spoke clearly and made sense. It was difficult to leave. We kissed and hugged each other, and she looked at me and said, "I love you baby brother, now take care of yourself." I can never forget that moment. It made me smile with tears running down my face because she was with me and still is.
One of my favourite cousins was drafted to go be a part of the American-Vietnamese war. We were always close because we were the same age, except I was six-months older, and he called me the old man. After he was drafted, I volunteered to go to war so I could be close to him. I was turned down because my brother was in the military, and I was the only boy left at home because my sister also joined the military at the age of 18. I was very disappointed. After he returned, he was a very different person. He told me that after his experience of being mistreated while serving America, it was a country that had destroyed his soul and those of others. He shared with me that many drugs were used to keep the soldiers awake and alert so they would never sleep. Being naive, I had no idea what he was talking about, and it didn't make much sense to me. One day he said to me, "Cuz, this life is not worth living because America turned me into an addict and I have no desires or life anymore, but you are my cousin, and I love you." Being young, I didn't know that he was serious. Soon afterwards, my cousin died. To this day, I miss him a lot.
So, how do we approach the end of a chapter? Here are some aspects that are often involved:
Mental Readiness. Preparing mentally for the separation, whether temporary or permanent, helps in dealing with the change.
Creating a Memorable Moment. Reflecting on the good times and shared experiences can make the goodbye meaningful. It a way to honour the relationship and the time spent together. Saying what matters. Expressing gratitude, love, or any unresolved feelings is essential. Let the person know how much they mean to you.
Rituals & Symbolic Gestures. Giving a small gift, a letter, or something symbolic can provide comfort and serve as a tangible reminder of the relationship. Some people may have a farewell luncheon or dinner, a special trip, or a particular activity they do together to say goodbye.
Physical Goodbye. Hugging, holding hands, kissing, or other physical touching can convey emotions that words sometimes can't. Often touching can provide comfort and a lasting connection.
Final Words. The actual words used in a goodbye may carry significant weight. Whether it's "Take care," "I love you," "I will miss you," or "Goodbye until we meet again," the choice of words can reflect the depth of the relationship.
Dealing with the Aftermath. Grieving. If the goodbye is permanent, like in the case of death, grief will be an inevitable part of the process. It's important to allow yourself to grieve and seek support if needed.
Moving Forward. Saying goodbye often requires learning to live without the presence of the person in your life. This can involve finding new routines, new ways of coping, and sometimes redefining your identity without them. It's not an easy process.
Staying Connected. If the goodbye is temporary, like someone moving away to another city or country, making plans to stay in touch can ease the pain of parting. Each time I relocated to a different country, it was difficult knowing that I wouldn't see my friends every day or be able to chat with them on the phone. I have never lost contact with my true friends, regardless of the miles and oceans between us. Our bond feels even stronger and when we see each other, it's incredible and we restart conversations where we left off.
Social Media, Online Chats, or Visits. In today's world, it's easier to stay connected through technology, and planning for regular communication can help maintain the relationship.
Finding Closure. Whether through conversation, personal reflection, or spiritual practices, finding closure is essential for moving on to the next chapter of your life.
Acceptance is Not Easy. Coming to terms with the goodbye, especially if it's a permanent one, is a crucial step in the healing process. Each goodbye is unique, shaped by the relationship, the context, and the individuals involved. It must be approached with sincerity and care, honouring both your own feelings and those of the person you are parting from.
This is the most difficult part of the process. Some people can let go and move on in a short period of time, while others may take a year or more to deal with the grief of losing a loved one. Try not to be too hard on yourself if it takes longer to deal with the loss of a parent or a best friend. Remember, give yourself the space and time that you need. I still think about the mothers of many of my friends and I usually laugh thinking of all the hilarious things they said to me over lovely lunches, dinners, or a glass of wine.
Comments