Learning to Live with Loss

"Grief Has No Timeline"

Grief is not something we finish. It's something we slowly learn to carry. There are some phone calls we never forget and some goodbyes we were not prepared to say. And some people whose absence changes the way the world feels forever. The loss of a friend, a special family member, partner, spouse, parent, colleague, or someone we deeply care about can be one of life's most difficult experiences. No matter how much we understand intellectually that death is part of life, nothing completely prepares us for the moment when someone who occupied a place in our heart is suddenly no longer there.

And then comes grief. People often talk about grief as though it's something we must "get through." But where exactly are we supposed to go? Perhaps grief is not about getting over someone at all. Maybe it's about learning how to continue living while carrying the love, memories, and absence of someone who mattered deeply to us.

"Grief does not follow a calendar, and healing does not carry a deadline." One of the most important things we can understand about grief is that everyone experiences it differently. Some people cry. Others become very quiet. Some people want to talk about the person they lost, while others can't bring themselves to say their name or even look at photographs. Some people may need the company of others while others prefer solitude. It's not unusual for the same person to need all those things at different points in their journey. There is no timetable telling us when to stop crying, when to remove someone's belongings, when to return to social activities, or when to feel comfortable laughing again. Grief does not move in a straight line. Most people will have several relatively peaceful days and suddenly hear a song, smell a familiar fragrance, see a photograph, prepare a favourite meal, or walk past a place you visited together. And suddenly the loss feels new again. That doesn't mean that you have gone backwards. It means you remember.

Every day, I think of so many people that I have lost over time. It doesn't matter how long; one little thing can trigger a reaction or remind you of something that makes you laugh. Lately, I have been preparing many of my mother's favourite Creole recipes that she shared with me when I was a young boy. The delightful smells that flow from the kitchen always make me so happy. Just a few weeks ago, while preparing Creole Gumbo, I heard my mother's voice telling me to taste it as she gently tapped me on the head with the palm of her hand. She always did that to get my attention when I was a young boy. I tasted it, and then I heard her say, "Boy, it needs more Slap Yo Mama Cajun seasoning." Then the laughter started. My life partner has witnessed this many times and just smiles and continues doing his work or sleeping.

Living and surviving the AIDS Crisis in San Francisco during the 80s, I lost all of my friends except for 4 or 5 of them. And yes, often when I think of them, I can feel tears running down my face, or I can't stop laughing, remembering things that were shared with me to get me to chill out and relax. Sometimes grief arrives as sadness. Sometimes it arrives wearing a mask of anger, guilt, silence, or even laughter. Often, we associate grief with sadness, but loss can produce many emotions. There are many emotions connected to grief, such as confusion or relief after watching someone endure a long illness. We may feel guilty about things we said or didn't say. There are always questions that we can no longer ask or conversations we wish we could have one more time. I have discovered there may even be moments of happiness followed immediately by guilt because we wonder whether we are allowed to enjoy ourselves after someone has died. Continuing to live does not mean we have forgotten someone. Experiencing joy and happiness does not diminish the love we had for those special ones in our hearts.

Many of us have heard grief described through five stages that include: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These ideas have helped to give people language for some of the emotions that can accompany loss. Just remember that grief should never be treated like a checklist. Simply put, you don't graduate from anger on Tuesday and arrive at acceptance on Thursday. We all experience several emotions at once. Some may return months or years later. Others may never be a part of your experience at all. Your grief belongs to you and doesn't have to resemble anyone else's experience.

"Sometimes we don't realise how many places a person occupied in our lives until we begin encountering those places without them." The first year after a loss can contain moments we never anticipated, such as the first birthday, Christmas or the first family gathering. The first time something wonderful happens, and you instinctively reach for the phone because you want to tell them all about it. Then you remember. Those moments can hurt, but they can also become opportunities to remember. The way I get through tough times is by lighting candles every day for those special ones, cooking their favourite meals, telling one of their stories, playing and dancing to the music they loved, visiting somewhere that mattered to them and saying their name. Remembering someone does not prevent healing. Believe it or not, sometimes remembering is part of the healing process.

Grief can make people feel very uncomfortable. Friends may desperately want to help but have no idea what to say. So, they may reach for familiar phrases:

• Everything happens for a reason.

• They are in a better place.

• You need to stay strong.

• At least they lived a long life.

These words are usually offered with kindness, but sometimes a grieving person does not need or desire an explanation. They need someone willing to sit beside them and show empathy. When someone says, "I am here," it can mean more than an entire speech. Just remember, we don't need to fix someone's pain. The greatest gift we can offer to another is our presence.

You don't have to understand someone's grief to respect it. If someone you love and care about is grieving, don't assume that because several weeks or months have passed, they no longer need support. How do you support a dear friend who is grieving? You can:

• Check in

• Call

• Send a message

• Bring or share a meal

• Invite them for coffee, tea or a lovely cocktail

• Remember important dates

• Mention the person who died

Many people worry that saying the person's name will remind someone of their loss. They have never forgotten their loss. Hearing the name may instead remind them that someone else remembers too. Support is not about forcing someone to grieve the way we think they should, but about meeting them where they are.

It's very important to take care of yourself while grieving. Grief can affect more than emotions. It has the power to affect our sleep, concentration, appetite, energy, motivation, and our ability to manage ordinary responsibilities. During these times, small things matter. It's essential to eat when you can, rest, take a walk, accept help from those special friends and talk to someone you trust. Give yourself permission to decline invitations when you need some peace and quiet, and to accept them when you need company from those you trust. There may also be times when grief becomes too difficult to manage alone. Speaking with a grief counsellor, support group, mental-health professional, community organisation, or trusted healthcare professional may provide additional support. Asking for help does not mean you are failing to cope. Sometimes asking for help is part of how we cope.

Does grief ever end? Love does not have an expiration date, and neither does grief. What changes over time is often our relationship with it. The overwhelming waves may come less frequently. Memories that once brought only tears may eventually bring smiles. We begin talking about the person without always feeling that familiar ache in our chest. Life slowly grows around the loss. It's not because the person mattered less, but because we have learned to carry their memory differently. 

It may help to reflect on a few questions about grief:

• Who are you remembering today?

• What is one memory that still makes you smile?

• Is there something you wish you could say to that person?

• What did they teach you that continues to influence your life?

• How can you carry something of them forward?

We often measure life by the number of years, but it may be better to measure it by its impact on our lives. When I think about true friends I have lost, I can hear our conversations, our laughter, the love and kindness between us, and so many wonderful lessons we shared on an ordinary afternoon that seemed insignificant at the time but later became a precious memory. When someone we love dies, those things will never disappear. They become an essential part of us.

In all honesty, there may never be a morning when you wake up and declare I have finished grieving. Healing does not require forgetting. Moving forward does not mean leaving someone behind. The people we love become woven into our stories; into the things they taught us, the memories we carry, the traditions we continue, and sometimes even the person we have become. Grief is the price we pay for having loved someone enough for their absence to matter. So, if you are grieving today, give yourself time, be patient, allow yourself to remember, allow yourself to laugh again and to live life to the fullest. Perhaps the goal isn't learning how to live without the people we have lost, but learning to live with everything they left inside of us.