One of the most challenging things I had to do in life was to admit that I often wore several masks to protect myself, or so I thought. Have you ever worn a disguise to play a specific role or to pretend to be someone or something else? It's probably why Halloween was always my favourite holiday. Experience has taught me that most people are often not being who they indeed are, but may have a hard time just being themselves. It's something that begins early in life and may feel like your real face. At a very young age, we are taught to move away from our authentic selves unintentionally.
As a boy, I was repeatedly told by parents or other adults how to act, think, what emotions to show, what to believe, and who to be, depending on the situation. Growing up in a Methodist church, I can remember the lectures on how I was expected to behave like a good Christian boy, listening to everything the minister was saying. Unfortunately, I was too busy chatting with my friends from Sunday school, eating candy, and trading baseball cards. It only took one stern look from my mother for my good Christian boy mask to form on my face. As much as I hated hiding behind this mask, I knew it would be better than getting spanked once I got home for misbehaving. Besides, it seemed to make my mother happy and proud. It was always confusing to me.
My early training of watching adults pretend helped me create masks to fit into various situations and achieve others' acceptance and approval. I remember people telling lies and how others pretended to believe them until they left the room, and then the laughter would begin about their lies. After many hours of study, I learned how to tell when someone is lying and to pretend that you believe them.
As I grew older, more masks were added to my repertoire. The messages I kept receiving convinced me that behaving in specific ways was simply not good enough. My mother lectured me that certain behaviors, emotions, and strong-mindedness were all malicious character flaws. Soon I lost track of the number of masks that I would use to satisfy others. It started with elementary school. I heard my mother's voice in my head telling me always to be the best child in the classroom. I pretended very well unless placed next to one of my devious childhood friends, and the giggling and pulling the girls' pigtails in class or hiding other students' books began. It never ended well, and I could no longer sit near my friend David. Amazing that I can remember his name after all these years.
By middle school, I had mastered the art of creating masks daily. Once the perfect student mask was used repeatedly, I moved on to creating many others. There was a sick face mask used to be sent to the Nurse's office so I could take a nap and miss the P.E. or physical education class that I hated. With the strict male gym teachers, it took a bit more research to discover their weaknesses. So, the scared of the big boys when playing basketball mask worked well, almost too well. Our coach decided to create teams for all the smaller kids to play football, baseball, and golf. Initially, I thought my plan had failed until I saw all of my short friends selected, and we were thrilled with the freedom to act up together once again.
By high school, creating the right mask for every situation became automatic. There were masks for people that I didn't like very much, but necessary to pretend that I did. I created a cover for the student council election, a front for flirting and dating; an act for staying on the honour roll; and a mask for being a little mascot for the football team as part of the cheerleaders. The only time somebody would see my real face and emotions was with my true friends. We had always promised to be honest with each other. The mask facade continued right through college.
Spending much of my schooling in Europe, I learned how to be myself. It was not easy accepting the real me. After all, it had been 20 years since I had seen the real me, and it was a bit frightening. Traveling all over Europe, I spent a lot of time in Italy and France, where people expected me to be genuine, so I worked very hard to feel and show my real emotions to my new friends and family. Returning to the United States knocked me off my feet when faced with many people's fakeness that I met. I longed to be with my childhood friends or back in Europe again.
Have you ever met someone that fooled you with their fake smile and niceties? If you haven't, be grateful. Now and then, someone will sneak in with a mask that says that they are the best person ever. When it happens to you, stay around a bit longer because they are usually unable to keep the mask on before the real face and nasty attitudes start to show. Get the popcorn and milk duds ready and step back and watch the show as their act crumbles, and the whole vicious personality is released. After being exposed, they will usually apologize and shed a few tears as another fake mask is created. Now is the time you eliminate them from your life.
Entering the job market reminded me of creating masks to be seen in a different light. Every interview was a different mask. I learned that experience was not essential to be hired in a position, mostly if your skin color was not white. Like many others, I was troubled because there is no way that I could pretend to be white or convince anyone that I was a white man, so I had to think of a better way. It was time to create a new mask that would challenge their decision to stick with the status quo when hiring. I did my homework to discover what many whites thought about black men. I had to surprise them by not being what they expected and to help them consider their racial biases after the interview to re-evaluate their decision to hire a family friend that looked like them with less experience. Initially, I was surprised by what people thought about black men. Many believe that black men are:
Angry and ready to fight
Rapists
Murderers
Deadbeat dads
Thieves
Great dancers
Liars
Always late and unreliable
Drug addicts
Ironically, many of these things I thought about them except for a couple of items. That's when I realized that no one should be judged before getting to know them. Whether it's our designer outfits, our job title, or our role as the perfect parent or funny guy, hiding behind a mask can become exhausting. Honestly, it takes a lot of courage and hard work just to be yourself.
As I became more of an adult, I struggled to remove and destroy all the masks that I believed were needed. It was not an easy task getting back to ground zero and being reintroduced to yourself. Over time, we can shape who we are and what we want to project to others. My concern was no longer if Jessica, Jack, Tracy, or Isela liked me or not. The key was looking in the mirror and loving myself without wearing a fake mask as they do.
For many of us, our identity gets wrapped up in the work that we do. Often our passion is stuck in the past. For example, you may hear yourself or others say, I use to love traveling or walking in the park or sailing, dancing or drawing, and painting. Once the mask is off, it's a fantastic feeling of power. Showing up without a mask gives you a sense of confidence. It starts with asking yourself what brings you joy. We all can create passion in our daily life. My passion to enjoy the beauty of nature that exist all around me
What's your daily passion?
Photo by my true friend, Peter K. Nelson - Thank you bud.
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