How many of you have had the pleasure of visualising the stabbing of a narcissist in your home, office, online classroom, bedroom, standing in line at the post office, shopping for food at your local grocery store, or just running a simple weekly errand such as picking up a prescription? This is when I really wish that I was a good liar because I would say, not me, I would never have those type of thoughts about anyone. Many of you that know me would fall on the floor screaming with laughter. Sometimes I actually shock myself when I hear my little angels on my shoulders talking up a storm, to encourage me, or maybe they are two little devils in costume. Most people will tell you there is nothing I wouldn't do to help anyone because I love expressing kindness. The true catch is I only express genuine appreciation for another human being, only if they too are genuine. When I was a little boy my mother taught me to treat people the way they treat you. She was a tough little mama and didn't believe in turning the other cheek and forgiving people for being rude. Daily, I am shocked at how many of my childhood lessons remain a part of my psyche.
Over the past 7 months of starting my blog, Lessons in Life, I have observed and listened to conversations of lots and lots of people that often leave me a bit surprised at what people say about others without feeling any remorse. The cool part is throughout this unique training, my face never changes its solid expression of pretending I am not listening or I don't speak the language being spoken. I often wonder if this is what Joan Rivers felt like after so many surgical procedures when she couldn't or just didn't show any emotion in her facial expressions. However it started me thinking about how different people are today from just 20 or 30 years ago. I can remember growing up in a loving community that I often talk about in my blog posts. The love that existed all around me helped to shape who I am today, as well as shaping many of the people I regarded as family and/or true friends. Over time it was noticed that things and people were very different. They seemed to care more about themselves and less about anyone else, if at all. Initially, friends and I would chat about how people had huge self-esteems but then we learned that having positive self-esteem was a good thing. So we started looking deeper and trying to analyse what was actually happening. I have spent a lot of time reading the many articles and research papers that have been written on the topic and they have all led me to having a better understanding.
Research tells us that in the 1980s a self-esteemed movement was started. At that time, parents, teachers and others connected with children were encouraged to build up children's self-esteem through providing a lot of praise. It was common to hear parents telling their children how beautiful they were, how smart they were or would brag about their children to other adults in front of their children. It didn't seem to matter if it was true or not, parents felt they were helping their children to feel good about themselves and be able to strive for greatness.
Children and adolescents were also pressured to achieve which means beating others in competitions, getting the best grades, being their high school class president, being the prom queen or king, getting accepted into the best universities and getting the best jobs over everyone else. In other words, everyone else is seen as an obstacle or as someone that must be defeated, destroyed or manipulated to serve their needs. With these type of lessons, it's no surprise that children grow up looking out for only number one .
As a young boy, my siblings and I were taught not to compete with each other or with our friends because we should always be a family or a team. I can remember being in 6th grade and receiving punishment along with my neighbourhood friends because we refused to compete against each other in a game. We were confused about what we had done wrong. I never changed. Throughout my entire life of various careers, I watched many obnoxious people waltz around performing poorly but shouting how great they were to everyone who was willing to listen. Usually, there was no opportunity for anyone else to speak or contradict them, except maybe a few of us that stood for truth. I actually welcomed their viciousness, lies, and rumours to try to destroy my reputation. It still gives me great pleasure to watch these evil personality types suffocate on their own lies and deceit.
During much of my work in marketing and public relations, I relied heavily on the creative minds of interns. Three years ago while sitting on a selection panel to hire for an internship program, I was well entertained by a tight rope walker, a trapeze act, someone swallowing swords and of course the clowns to make you laugh. I was thoroughly entertained but the interns that caught my attention were a bit reserved or shy, spoke quieter and were genuine about their desire to work with the communities we had described. The other members from the circus were only interested in the internship so that it could live on their resume and possibly get them into a prestigious university. I was quite tickled that I hired 2 of 12 young people that had applied for the positions. I had more positions available but there was no one else that I would be able to stomach more than 30 minutes.
Over time I watched even more and noticed that society was becoming more and more narcissistic. Friends would talk about their narcissistic relationships and I could see and feel the pain they were being dragged through. Then it started showing up in the workplace and I could never figure out how such behaviour could be tolerated but then I learned that most people, including directors and managers, regardless of their degrees or leadership level positions, were terrified and allowed this bad behaviour to exists. Great staff would leave because of bullying and the vicious narcissists would remain and continue to cause havoc. Initially I thought it was just in society or certain elite communities that looked down on everyone that were considered less than, or inferior.
Let me take a moment to describe a narcissistic personality. It involves a pattern of being self-centered, arrogant, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people, and an excessive need for admiration. Narcissists are also described by others as cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronising, argumentative, liars, extremely vicious and demanding. They can also be the best of people until they get what they want from you and then they set out to eliminate you or try to ruin your reputation.
When things open up again in our communities, I would recommend going out for a lovely cup of coffee and a pastry or a nibble and a lovely cocktail and just observe your surroundings, listen to everything and take notes about what you noticed. Here are some traits that describe the personality of a narcissist:
Narcissist want to be recognised as being superior without the necessary achievements that go along with being superior.
Narcissist will often overestimate their abilities while simultaneously devaluing the contributions of others. They will often act surprised when they don't receive the praise they feel they deserve. They clearly consider themselves smarter and more clever than everyone else.
If a narcissist is not achieving success, they will find a way to blame other people or society, but never accept blame or blame themselves. Many of them spend most of their time creating ways to cause disruptions in meetings, in relationships, in corporations, in non-profits, in government and even in top leadership positions in many countries.
Narcissist believe they are better than everyone else. They insist on creating their own group of people, many very much like them or those that can be controlled by their misinformation, lies and untrue rumours about others.
Despite the fact that narcissist often act boastful and overconfident, their self-esteem can be pretty fragile. They tend to be preoccupied with what people think of them and feel pretty shocked when people don't treat them like royalty. This can be particularly true in relationships.
Narcissist monopolize conversations and look down on others. They consider most people inferior to them. They are known for taking advantage of others to get what they want, but it's never enough once they bully someone into giving it to them.
Narcissists always behave in an arrogant and outrageous manner, coming across as conceited, boastful, and pretentious. They enjoy attacking others just for the fun of it. It shows how insecure they are as individuals and how they are unable to legitimately compete with others.
Like a misbehaved two-year old, a narcissist will become impatient or angry when they don't get their way. They tend to react with rage or contempt and try to destroy others which may be their partners or co-workers to make themselves appear superior.
That's when I realised the rise of global narcissism. Everything that is happening is truly a reflection of what's happening in our communities, our cities, our states and countries around the world. When I look around I see a lot of people that care about no one, but themselves. I see small children already learning not to like other children because they may be a competitor later. I also see so many people unwilling to lend a helping hand to others or say a kind word like thank you, hello, or excuse me. What makes me smile is there is also a large number of people that really do care and are quietly helping others. If you look into someone's eyes you can see the kindness that lives there. Of course, that may take your eyes aways from looking down at your mobile device while walking into people or falling down. Trust, it makes for a refreshing change to connect with something that's not in the palm of your hand. I enjoy watching people walking with their phones and taking so many selfies of themselves but often missing the most beautiful view in front of them.
Today, I spend a lot of time looking at the leadership in most of the countries and I am alarmed on how similar many of the leaders we have chosen display narcissistic behaviours. The goals are not for the people of any country, but all about self interest, greed and a desire for control. Without a doubt, the worse world leader today is Donald Trump, someone I consider the most horrific person to ever hold the office of the President in the United States. There are many others showing the same narcissistic behaviours such as the presidents of the Philippines, North Korea, or Russia. There is also talk about the prime ministers of the United Kingdom and of Australia. There are so many more that could be listed but you can probably list a few hundred that you are familiar with too.
In 2009, Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell published The Narcissism Epidemic, a haunting diagnostic detailing a gradual, but seismic shift in the nation's cultural norms towards self-admiration. They shared that many of the extant crises in the United States can be traced to some extent to such cultural factors and entitled behaviour. The racial and ideological tensions, and consequential partisanship in Washington, DC, which supported the election of Donald J. Trump, have been exacerbated by the self-focused and competitive behavior of separate interest groups in society and politics. The financial crisis can be explained in part by the narcissistic behaviors of bankers and consumers alike creating a time-delay trap of near-term greed over long-term logic. America’s trade deficit has been exhausted by debt-financed conspicuous consumption, goods purchased to elevate one’s status in front of others, rather than out of necessity. And the crisis of confidence in government can be ascribed in part to the philosophical hunkering down and focus on self-sufficiency, rather than on mutual dependence.
Many people have shared that they believe that the rise in technology and the development of popular social networking sites, such as Facebook, further changed the way we spend our free time and communicate. Today, there are nearly 2.89 billion active Facebook users each day worldwide. Do you think that the amount of time we spend on social media can make us want to only focus on ourselves? It's a difficult question for me. I don't feel that way today because I have been slowly pulling back and reducing the amount of time that I spend on social media. It's difficult being so far away from so many of my true friends when the best way to stay in touch is through social media, emailing and scheduling online zoom cocktail and coffee chats. I love social media because it has been a great avenue to receive the latest news but there are side effects. It can also be depressing and hijack our happy emotional state of mind. It can also place us in a place of anger and hopelessness.
In reality, it's challenging to try escaping our culture, but there are a few things we can do to improve our self-esteem which is more aligned with empathy for others. Developing mindfulness, honoring our promises, respecting other people's space, needs and desires, as well as facilitating the process of self-acceptance and forgiveness are all good practices to start with. I often share with people that I am a believer in forgiving, eliminating negative people from my world, remembering the wrongs so they will never be repeated again, and moving forward with appreciation for the lessons learned. I often encourage others to start making a list of things that you are grateful for each day. You will be surprised when you look back at your notebook after 3, 6, or 9 months.
I enjoy remembering and savouring great experiences with good friends or just a wonderful vacation. Closing your eyes for 5 minutes and recreating the experience can be magical. One of my favourite trips over the years was to San Juan, Puerto Rico with friends. Every time I close my eyes and think about Puerto Rico, I can hear the beautiful music, smell, and taste the delicious food, sip the lovely chocolate tequila, see the smiling faces saying hello to me as if I am one of their family members, feeling the warm breeze on my face, and hiding from the rain under a stranger's umbrella who was willing to protect me.
We all have a lot of work to do. First to be kind to ourselves, our families, our partners, and our friends. Then we need to figure out how to eliminate the negativity that we are witnessing as a result of the power of narcissism in every path of our lives and the negative impact it's having on so many people. What do you think we can do to start creating a more humane global community at home and around the world?
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