Almost every day after school when I was a little boy I would come home with scratches, bruised knees or torn clothes from fighting bullies. One would think that I was a big guy, but in fact I was one of the smallest kids in my school, thinking that I was a huge lion. I also remember receiving spankings everyday from my mother for coming home with torn shirts and dirty knees. I got used to the spankings and didn't stop fighting several times per week. Finally one day my mother inquired why I was always getting into fights at school and I told her the truth. The fights weren't really my fights, but I hated to see other school mates, friends or not friends, being picked on by hateful people so I would step in to try to protect them or help them to keep their lunch money or toys. My older brother was tough and no one messed with him and he taught me that I was a little force to be reckoned with and to never step down. At the age of 13, my mother had a heart to heart talk with me and explained that I was a tiny little guy and I should pick my fights more wisely. I responded that I was 6 feet tall. I can still hear her laughing with my Auntie Plump, you see I was probably 4 feet at the most. I often wonder today how the heck did I survive. If you think you are a lion and believe you are a lion, surprise, you are a lion.
I never knew that I had a choice to get involved or not to get involved when something looked wrong. Becoming a man showed me many things that I didn't quite understand. On many occasions friends would have to confine me on crowded buses or trams to keep my mouth shut and to stay seated while horrible things were happening to other people. Of course, I didn't like it and would have to get involved on some level. When I moved to Washington, DC my best bud taught me how to stay in complete awareness of my situation. Her lessons were very clear and I followed them to the letter. My pet name for her was always "Baby Champ" or Champ for short. She taught me the correct way to ride the DC Metro trains to and from work. First, always have earphones in your ears to give the appearance that you are listening to music so that no one will try to talk to you. People would assume that I was deep into listening to music or a book. It provided the opportunity to listen to all the conversations going on around me so I would know if something dangerous was about to go down for me or other commuters. The final task was to keep something close by to defend myself or to help others if needed. At the slightest sign of danger, my mental armor would materialise. I was never a good silent bystander, it took a lot of effort on my part.
What is a bystander? A bystander is anyone who witnesses bullying or a crime when it happens. There are several types of bystander:
• Assistants: Who help the bully and join in the bullying
• Re-enforcers: Who provide support to the bully
• Outsiders: Stay away not taking sides, providing the bully with silent approval
• Defenders: Comfort the victim, try to actively stop the bullying
• Passive Defenders: Not involved, but dislike the bullying
Bystanders often don't try to help because:
• They may be concerned for their own safety; or
• Don't know what they should do to help
There are times when calling and waiting for the police or security to arrive may take too long to help the situation. In this case the the 5Ds of de-escalation may be helpful:
• Direct. Direct intervention means stepping in and addressing the conflict outright to demonstrate that you are witness to what is taking place and that the perpetrator is wrong.
• Distract. If you think direct intervention could cause a situation to escalate and further endanger anyone involved, including you, distraction may be a better approach. For example, you could pretend to be the victim's friend and ask about transfer stops. Also, you could spill coffee or drop something out of your backpack to interrupt the aggressor's focus on the person they are harassing. It may give the victim time to think what they may need from you and other bystanders, or allow them to pause or leave the scene.
• Delegate. If possible, ask for help with an intervention if you think you need it. Try pointing out a conflict to those around you by saying something like, "It looks like that person is bothering that woman or that family. Can we all go over and try to calm this down?" Usually on public transportation there should be a red buzzer to press for immediate assistance.
• Delay. When you or others aren't able to intervene in the moment for safety reasons, one can offer support after the situation has ended. It may help to ask the person if they are okay and see how you may be able to help.
• Document. If someone is already helping a person who is in crisis, one can document the situation by recording it on their mobile device.
I always believed that being silent in certain situations when another person's life or dignity was being threatened was never good. Today, especially during COVID-19 there are many news reports of innocent people being attacked, beaten and yelled at simply for being of Asian/Pacific Islander decent. This has gone on for too many years and I am sure will continue to happen to people because of the colour of their skin as it does with Blacks, Indigenous persons, Latinos/Hispanics, Gays, Transgenders, Jewish people, etc. It's time for communities to wake up and start supporting each other instead of following the assigned script designed for attacking each other over petty, fabricated institutional lies. A quote that I wake up to everyday is one by Albert Einstein that says, "The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything."
This quote says it all about what's happening in the world today. A couple of months ago on a train in Melbourne, a white woman went on a violent and racist rampage when two young Asian men got on the train with their protective masks on. According to the news article, she started yelling and calling them Asian disease carrying dogs, while her young daughter was crying and pleading with her to stop. One female passenger tried to intervene to protect the guys, but the woman called her a German slut, although she was British. Later in the video, the woman approaches the men and throws a punch at one of them before commuters wrestled her to the ground. These type of incidents have occurred too often and I am proud of the commuters that got involved and filmed the incident. More often than not, most people will look the other way or stay silent for fear of being attacked themselves which is a legitimate reason to be a silent bystander, but not one that I would consider acceptable for myself. The insanely acting woman on the train is lucky that the two men didn't give her the beating that she deserved. What kind of mother would perform this way in front of a young daughter and it makes me wonder what type of mother she could possibly be.
Once on a crowded Muni bus that felt like we were all stuffed into a can of sardines in San Francisco with my partner, I heard someone yelling at someone. I pushed my way from the back of the bus to see if my partner was getting into trouble and to find out how I could help. To my surprise not one person on the packed bus made a move to be a good samaritan. To my amazement, a middle aged white man was yelling at the sweetest Chinese couple in their 80s who were quietly sitting and enjoying each other's company. The yelling didn't make sense to me. What came out of his mouth was, "You muslim fuckers, go back to your country." My partner stood up for them and I was well prepared to give him something to remember me by for many years. The old couple intervened and said, "Little boy, him crazy, you too angry, ignore him, thank you, thank you." My partner saved me from serving time in jail for sure. My point being that no one should feel so privileged to want to degrade another individual, especially when their facts are incorrect and they appear rather stupid.
On a global front, I have been observing the madness that is happening around the world with so-called leaders performing in a very similar fashion like the idiotic woman on the train. However, people living in countries like the United States, say nothing; politicians elected by the people allow bad behaviours to continue; and millionaires become billionaires as a result of staying silent to the occurrence of bad behaviours. The worse case in point is having a president who calls Coronavirus the Chinese Virus and refuses to correct it. It's so clear that it's an encouragement to push racism and hatred to the forefront once again. This behaviour is unacceptable.
I observe ministers, pastors, priests, and television evangelists convincing their congregations to disobey the stay-in-place laws and come to church and fill the collection plates with money or demand they send their stimulus check to them in the name of God. Isn't it time for all of this nonsense to stop and for the masses to at least start to recognise it and be Woke?
The next time that you are minding your own business in the grocery store, on public transportation, taking a walk, biking or jogging, think about what you would do if someone was being attacked or called names because of their appearance. Which bystander role would you take and why?
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