As I get older, I am often shocked by things that I am thinking and more appalled when words flow out of my mouth. I always look around to see who voiced those words so loud and clear. It's usually me repeating things that my mother beat into my head sixty years ago. They are all the things I would roll my eyes at when my mom wasn't looking. Now I find myself sounding just like she did so very long ago. She taught me and my siblings good manners and forced us to practice them with each other. We certainly didn't practice any of them when she wasn't home, or if we were playing marbles and cards during church services in the back row.
Today, I often wonder if good manners are a thing of the past. When running errands, shopping for food, or taking the train or tram in the city, I am appalled at the rudeness of most people. The best part of venturing out on my walks and trips to the park to meditate is watching and observing everything that moves or breathes. I wanted to believe that young people were the only rude ones in society, but that was a misjudgment on my part.
My alarming observation revealed that being rude or displaying a lack of good manners has nothing to do with one's race, gender, sexual preference, age, nationality, or religion. Many people possess bad manners because they were never taught by their parents, or their parents were never taught by their parents. Teaching manners is like the domino effect. If I learned good manners as a child, it's almost certain that I will teach my children, nephews, or nieces how to demonstrate good manners towards all people. However, the same rule applies if you were never taught such skills, so why would you teach them to your children?
II am often shocked at how so many people today refuse to allow older people, ones with disabilities, or even pregnant women to sit down on a crowded bus or tram. Even men don't notice or care if a pregnant woman is struggling while standing or if an older person using a walker could easily fall. I still get a sting deep inside and always offer my seat to someone needing it more. Being polite means being aware of and respecting the feelings of other people. We may not always notice politeness, but we usually notice rudeness or inconsiderate behaviour. Politeness can and will improve your relationships with others, help to build respect and support, boost your self-esteem and confidence, and improve your communication skills.
Growing up, I was often lectured about being polite to others and displaying good manners. I can't prove it, but I think that my mother had a checklist hidden somewhere in her purse, pocket, or secret drawer to evaluate our actions. We were always on the best behaviour when she was around, mostly out of fear of being whacked on the head. Often, on purpose, she would put us in situations and observe how we would react. I can still remember traveling with my mother on a local bus, happy to get a seat, I enjoyed reading a comic book. As the bus became crowded, I felt my mother's eyes looking at me. I looked up and noticed several older women and men standing, so I jumped to my feet and gave up my seat. Several said, "No", but I knew that wasn't an option for me. Of course, they were happy to sit down. They would always remember me and gladly share a Snickers chocolate bar or cookies. The smile on my face was huge.
Years ago, I would get my knickers in a knot if I was polite to someone, and the act of kindness was not appreciated. To protect my emotional state, I decided one day to not expect anyone to show appreciation for the kindness shown to them. I realised that an unappreciative person should not have any impact on how the next person on my path is treated. I was always taught to hold a door for someone coming in behind me and always to express thanks if someone was showing kindness toward me. Or, to allow women to enter and exit an elevator before me, or to hold the elevator door for someone running to catch it. Check out the facial expressions after you show kindness to someone. Most people are shocked that someone is being nice to them without wanting anything in return. One of my doctors is based at the Royal Melbourne Medical Centre and it always surprises me how many workers remember the kindness that was demonstrated.
A few weeks ago on public transportation, someone stepped on my foot, looked at me to see if it was a foot they stepped on, stared at me, and went back to staring at their mobile phone. I laughed out loud for about 10 seconds, and they looked embarrassed, but couldn't able to say that simple word, 'sorry'. I am grateful to not be working in an office or living with people of this quality. It's just not worth it to approach the topic with someone, even a friend or relative about their impoliteness since they reside in a state of denial. However, many of them expect doors to be held open for them, a thank you to be given, or an apology from the person that trips over their bags blocking an aisle, but they believe they have the right to do as they please. Again, watching them makes me laugh uncontrollably.
Like my mother, geez, I can't believe I said that, but I have created a politeness checklist that can be applied to most interactions with others.
Say hello to people - greet people appropriately, gain eye contact and smile naturally, and shake hands or hug where appropriate. Be aware that some people are just grumpy two-shoes and are just miserable. Don't take it personally if they don't respond, simply make a mental note to not waste your time with them moving forward.
Always use 'please' and 'thank you'. Make sure you thank people for their input or contribution and always include please when asking for something. If someone offers you something use 'Yes, please' or 'No thank you'. It cost absolutely nothing to be polite.
If you have met someone casually, try to remember things about the person and comment appropriately.
Become an active listener. Pay attention to others while they speak, try not to get distracted mid-conversation, and don't interrupt when others are sharing their view on a certain topic.
Apologise for your mistakes. This is one of the hardest things for many people to do. They hate admitting to being wrong. For example, if you say or do something that may be considered rude or embarrassing just apologise. Try not to overdo the apology, or it will seem fake.
Respect, and be prepared to listen to the ideas and opinions of others.
Dress appropriately for key events. Try not to wear a bathing suit or swim trunks to a fancy dinner or event.
Treat everyone with respect regardless of their role. A server in a restaurant, a cleaning person, a cashier or salesperson, or the President of a company should all be treated with the same amount of respect.
Try to practice good table manners. When eating around others don't talk or chew with your mouth full of food.
Help others that may be having difficulties lifting a baby carriage on the bus or tram, an older person struggling to carry their groceries, or helping someone to reach an item if you are taller than them.
So, what changed with me? Well, age has an interesting way of teaching some of us to set priorities and focus on the things that mean the most to us, and to ignore those that do not. I continue to show kindness and good manners to all people, but I don't expect anything in return. The lesson that I have learned is to make mental notes of rude people that I have encountered when doing daily tasks. Without fail, the same rude people will show up and expect you to say hello or hold a door for them. It never happens a second time with me. I am the type of person that says hello to everyone, especially if we live in the same area or if I visit a place of business several times during the week. I have learned that people deserve to be treated the way they treat others. No less and nothing more.
The next time you are out having a coffee, shopping, or taking a walk in the beautiful sunshine, observe what's happening around you. Notice how parents and children talk to each other. Is it respectful or disrespectful? Check out rude people driving, cutting in line, or showing signs of being a bully. There is no need to comment or to even stare, make a mental note and file it away for later. Take my word for it, good manners, kindness, and politeness comes with many unexpected rewards. I am sure my mother is somewhere peeking around the corner smiling that all her lessons and hard work paid off.
Good manners and being polite cost nothing but can make a big difference in how other people feel about you or the organisation you may be representing. Most times, when you are polite and show good manners, others are more likely to be polite and courteous in return. Every day my goal is to pay kindness forward.
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