One of the favourite things of my day is observing and listening to what people are saying. If you have never tried it before you just may be amazed about what you may be missing. Most people just talk, sometimes loudly without even thinking of what they are saying or how it could affect someone else sitting near them or just passing by. Do you think any of the people on this public transportation would be able to describe the person sitting across or next to them? I think not. In one of my advertising courses my professor gave each of us an assignment to go to a coffee shop and to stare at one person for at least for 30 minutes to an hour and come back to class to describe them, their clothes, their hair, how they talked and every single movement we had to portray. We also had to walk down the street with a fellow student and as we passed someone on the street, without looking back, answer the questions: what was the colour of their eyes and hair, how tall were they, describe their complexion, teeth, finger nails, hairstyle, outfit, colour of their outfit and shoes, if they were carrying a purse, brief case, umbrella or cane and if they were wearing a hat. This had to all be done in seconds of passing someone. Your partner would question you for accuracy. The hardest test was being able to know how many steps someone was walking behind you. Interestingly enough, those lessons have never left me. Now don't ask me where I left my car keys, mobile device or glasses that I usually find on my head.
One of the mind games I love challenging myself to do is pretending to be an introvert. A few years ago I offered to pay a friend to teach me how to be an introvert. I wanted to try being quiet when out in public. My friend turned down the money but would accept lunch each week to take me thru sessions. I failed miserably each and every Wednesday. We worked together, so weekly we would head for the elevator to go walking in downtown Oakland. Many would consider the assignment easy for most people but I failed every week for 2 months. My only task was to not talk to anyone, especially strangers. Just getting in the elevator I would struggle to stay quiet and usually failed before the elevator went from the 5th floor to the lobby of the building. By the time we reached the main floor I knew where everyone was going for lunch, what their favourite food was and what they had for dinner the night before. Usually I knew the names of their children, if they were married or single and what was their favourite vacation destination. My friend would simply roll her eyes and just laugh.
When riding public transportation to and from work I would watch everyone. You could hear a pin drop because no eye contact was ever made during rush hour commute times nor did anyone utter a sound to anyone else to even say excuse me, thank you, or I am sorry for stepping on your foot. It started to appear that no one had any good manners or they just didn't care about anyone but themselves. Over years I watched people, men and women, all colors, not being willing to give up their seat on a crowded train or bus to an elderly person on a cane or disabled, or to very pregnant women. I always did because as a boy, my parents taught my siblings and me that at all time it was mandatory to offer our seat to anyone older or pregnant. Over time, attitudes changed and things became first come, first serve, it's all about me, me, and me. At one time I found it appalling, but today it appears to be the norm.
When did we as humans stop communicating with each other? In my family there was a rule that we had to say hello to everyone once we entered a room or if walking down the street, it was cordial to say hello, smile or nod your head as a gesture to say hello. Once I got a spanking for saying hello to old Mrs. Williams 5 times instead of the sixth time I passed her house. Things changed over the years. Upon entering the building where I worked, I would greet people and they would stare at me and turn their heads or look down at the floor on a crowded elevator. In my apartment building, most people would not respond to a good morning or hello. Most people prefer staring at their phones 24 hours per day while walking, eating, dating, and even using the toilet. I became hostile for a short period then I realised that many people didn't grow up with manners or with the ability to care about anyone other than himself or herself. Could it possibly be fear? Our mobile devices have truly escalated the excuse of not talking to anyone at all. In the case of a disaster or dangerous situation, would you be willing to help someone that you have seen every single day during your commute or in the elevator at work that never had the courtesy to acknowledge you? I won't lie; I would be very reluctant to extend a helping hand.
I often ponder why people don't, can't or won't communicate more with each other, even when they are bumping into you on the streets because their phones are more interesting then looking at things happening in the world. I love the frightened look on their faces when they bump into you or others. It's like a frightened animal in the middle of a freeway. If truly interested, there are ways to communicate better whether you are an extrovert or introvert. Granted, many introverts may be friendly but prefer to be by themselves and show tendencies or shyness, but it cost nothing to say hello or even to smile. Extroverts can be over the top and may need to understand when to pull back a little.
Here are a few tips on communicating:
• Active listening - Most people only listen to reply instead of to understand.
• Learning to be comfortable within you own skin.
• Increase awareness - Try disconnecting from your mobile devices and social media.
• Take a closer look at your body language and tone of voice when talking to others.
• Try to be genuine, too many people like dropping names of people they think will impress you or showing designer labels. The truth is no one really cares about a design. Remember, it's not all about you.
This week, I made a concerted effort to be an introvert and made a commitment to myself not to start a conversation up with anyone. At the start of my trip to the National Gallery of Victoria to see the Keith Haring and Jean-Michel Basquiet exhibit, I was silent on the train, in the station and walking down the street to the gallery. For most people this would not be unusual, but anyone who knows me know that I am usually saying hello to everyone, even a potted plan to see if they need some water. Upon entering the museum, I was proud of myself for showing great restraint. I ordered our breakfast of a long and a short black coffee, a danish pastry and a chocolate croissant. This part was a breeze because the waiter that brought us our coffee, although very handsome, had the personality of a dried prune. There was no risk of a conversation with him. I was so proud of myself.
Upon entering the gallery, those old habits kicked in and I started to feel that I was being racially profiled by the gallery security. I was determined not to return to a racially traumatised state of mind that I felt everyday in San Francisco simply for breathing while black. To my surprise I succeeded. I started watching a short video about the artist, Keith Haring and his graffiti art, and how he created thousands of images, initially all over the New York subway. I was fascinated with the film although I noticed the security guards circling me and watching me. I ignored them and kept watching the film and viewing the amazing artwork. I went to my partner and shared my concern and he simply smiled, as he had heard this from me many times in the past.
About an hour later one of the guards walked by me, touched my shoulder and said, "The students are following your instructions today". I looked confused, and then remembered that the t-shirt I was wearing was in Arabic and translated it said, "We will not be silent". That made me laugh because the tour group of school children were very, very noisy. The security guard circled back and spoke to me in Arabic. It's ironic that I don't know a word of Arabic. I like the t-shirt because it's fun to watch how people judge me from looking at it. Often people look at me with hate, assuming that I am Arabic or Muslim. Other times, people look at me and smile. It was the beginning of one of the most incredible conversations I have had in ages. He was one of the brightest young men and engaged me in a variety of topics on philosophy, politics, literature, racism, poverty and religion. I was hypnotised by his intelligence and ability to be professional, but to also make me laugh. One thing he said that touched my soul was that he accepts people as who they are and never hates another because of their differences or religion. This young man was Muslim and from Iraq. If I had never interacted with him I would never have known his kindness and sincerity. I didn't want the conversation to end.
From a historical perspective, Sophie Scholl, a German college student and anti-Nazi political activist who led the only major act of civil disobedience during the Second World War. Sophie and her fellow students, members of a group called the White Rose, published underground anti-Nazi materials calling for the peaceful overthrow of Hitler. Sophie demonstrated the moral strength and courage that led a group of students to risk their lives for a righteous, dangerous cause. She was convicted of high treason and was executed by guillotine. As a result the saying resulted, 'We will not be silent'.
I challenge you to open up a bit more in your interactions with others. My family of extroverts, I challenge you to pull back some and observe more. Even plants and trees sometimes tell me to just go away, it's their naptime, so I am learning too.
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