For many years I have focused on the power of trust in the world and why it's something that we all give away so easily. When we were tiny babies we all learned the meaning of trust and it became a part of our lives. Almost immediately, every newborn child moves their head around to look into the eyes of the person smiling and looking at them. Soon afterwards every infant becomes familiar with the sound of their mother's voice. Babies and children trust their parents or the nanny or manny that is taking care of them. Children learn to trust their doctors, teachers, church leaders, neighbours and friends without fear.
I truly believe that we all want to trust and believe. As we grow up and become adults, most of us start to consider who and what should be trusted. According to the dictionary, trust is firm belief in the reliability, truth or ability of someone or something. After being kicked in the face by many lessons of life, I am confident to say that trust in not something that I provide willingly anymore or offer without lengthy research and evaluation of people and situations.
Do you remember lessons that your parents taught you about trust? The one that stands out for me is hearing my mother say over and over again, "Never take candy from strangers or never get into a car with a stranger." Being a lover of sweets, this was the hardest lesson for me to follow, but I survived. As I grew into a man I noticed that trust wasn't all it was created to be. Early on I would watch and listen to my teachers tell us, "Do as I say, not as I do", which was confusing to me. I can remember many of them harshly lecturing students in high school about smoking or using drugs, but after school we would hide out to see most of them smoking cigarettes or cannabis. Vividly, I can remember a counselor meeting with everyone in my high school class. Their role was to assist us in making the best career decision. Full of excitement I told the counselor that my goal was to attend college. After laughing he said, "That's not a good idea for a Black boy, you should learn a trade like auto repair, roofing or plumbing. I trusted him 100% until that very moment. So why should we trust everyone was always the question to myself. Growing up in a family of church goers, I listened to many lies that escaped the mouths of those standing in front of a congregation waving the holy bible and later committing sins sleeping with many of the women and men of the congregation, but quoting Jesus and putting others down for doing the same things they were doing.
Trust between friends was always something taken for granted. The word friend is sometimes used for anyone that you may have met five minutes ago. I learned from one of my colleagues that trust is not something that should be distributed like slop to a bunch of pigs, but should only be shared with those that have earned your trust. I can vividly remember a colleague correcting a person that loudly said, "I want you to meet my friend Karen". The look on Karen's face was a wake up call to me as she responded, "Let me correct you, we are not friends because I barely know you, associates maybe, but friends we are not." She continued by asking the woman, "What is my favourite colour, what is my favourite restaurant, and what is my favourite television show?" The expression on the outsider's face was utter shock. She didn't know any of the answers of her supposedly friend. It has been over 20 years and that lesson has never left my mind when fake people try to pretend you are their best friend. When you are young you strive to recruit as many friends as you can so that it will make you look popular or important to others. Most social media sites are based on the number of fans or contacts that can be obtained, although most people have no idea who their followers may be. Most would not be able to recognise them on the street if they were standing in front to them.
As most of us become older and wiser we are able to see the difference. Over time I have watched the actions of so-called wanna be friends and realised they were nothing more than takers. That's probably one of the many reasons my fingers are damaged today from busily and happily pressing the delete button or over-using that middle finger too much. The best part about today is being surrounded by a group of true, trustworthy and loyal friends. Those are the ones that are able to hear everything that you are not saying and come to the rescue. There is nothing I would not do for a true friend. They are always the ones that you have to twist their arms to allow you to help. I know because I am the same way with them. Whereas fakers are always asking for a loan of money, cash for gas or petrol because they forgot their wallet at home again, use of your auto road service because they don't have a membership or something even more ridiculous. Usually money never gets repaid. The trick is to ask them for a small favour, they always seem to disappear.
Do you know that feeling when you are getting a pan out of a hot oven and your hand accidentally touches the hot rack? It may happen once or thrice, but the lesson is so powerful that you remember the episode like it was yesterday and you avoid the painful burn and peeling skin on your hand. That's the same type of pain that causes me to distrust several businesses and people that may be known to make a profit off of you. Some of the ones that come to mind include:
Real Estate Agents. If you are looking to sell or purchase a home, do your research, get references and hire the one that comes with the highest rating of trust.
Banks. Be careful when you are inquiring about loans to purchase a home. Often percentages may vary depending on the colour of your skin.
Medical Staff. Once again prepare your questions in advance and try to discover the correct answers before asking the questions. We are often taught to believe that medical professionals know all the answers or may be smarter than we are -- not true.
Automobile Dealerships. When purchasing a car, research all your information and know when you are being charged too much. My parents always referred to them as snake oil salespeople, a nickname for someone who is a trader in lies and false cures. Remember to check out other dealerships too. It helps to do your homework.
Auto Mechanic shops. Find one that you truly trust. After being screwed a couple of times, it taught me to prepare, research and get recommendations from true friends and colleagues. It helps to walk in with a reference from one of their clients.
Insurance Sales staff. Not a group that I trust. Most want to sell you a policy whether you need it or not.
Funeral Directors. They will usually play on the grief of a potential client needing to bury their loved one. Many are the creators of tricks, smoke and mirrors. Recommendation: Take a strong person with you if you must meet with them. Remember there are many other companies to choose.
Dating Sites. We all know that scammers are everywhere looking for the most gullible people they can develop a bond of trust with, then surprise them by disappearing with their heart or possessions.
Telemarketers that pretend to care about those in aging communities, leaving them destitute and often without a place to live.
It doesn't feel good to walk around distrusting everyone. It's not the way we are built. Deep down inside, we are built to trust each other. What can we do to better manage our trust? Here are a few ideas that may be helpful:
Be Honest With Yourself. Most of us take two different paths around trust. One path is for those that trust too much, taking a happy view that everyone is sincere in their feelings and would never harm another person. Often personal information is shared with a feeling that it's safe to share one's belief and impressions of others. It helps to know whether the person is a friend or foe. Being overly trustful can often lead to potential grief. The second path is for those assuming the worst about the intentions of others. Those on this path tend to hold back any information about themselves in order to not trust the wrong person. One may make fewer mistakes on the latter path but will also have fewer positive experiences because others are kept at a distance. It's important to ascertain which path you are on to help determine what key areas to work on.
Building Trust. All trust takes time to build with friends, family members, co-workers or even with strangers.Gradually taking small risks help to build trust with others. Although I will admit, sometimes there are people that you meet and a bond is created without exchanging many conversations. Have you ever met someone that feels like a soul mate? It's a great experience.
A Escape Plan. It's always helpful to have a well thought out plan when needed to get out of a disloyal and distrustful relationship. Experience has taught me that screaming and fighting never helps the situation. More often than not, it helps to review the facts, make a decision and check the box to terminate or slowly remove yourself from someone that you can't trust to be honest.
Expectations. We all have expectations of situations to go a certain way and when they don't we become angry. Time has taught me to share my expectations with friends, co-workers, family members and bosses so there is no confusion about what is expected. Doing this upfront with all relationships can be rewarding. When those agreed upon expectations are not met, the next step is obvious, a gentle wave of the hand with a smile indicating the finale.
Observing and Listening. These are two key skills that I have used my entire life to survive many situations. Remember, take the necessary time to observe people in your circle, your family and definitely people that you work with every day. Lessons in life has enlightened me to the viciousness of co-workers that pretend to be a friend that later try to use any information openly shared against you. Listen intently on what is being said and what is not being said out loud. Pay close attention to body language.
There are many types of nonverbal communication or body launguage that include:
Facial expressions. The human face is extremely expressive, able to convey countless emotions without say a word.
Body movement and posture.
Eye contact
Hand gestures
Changes in voice tones
Make a mental note of all inconsistencies.
So, do you have a mate that you would trust with your life and vice versa? What are other ways that you can identify a distrustful person?
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