Have you ever been caught off guard when one of your emotional triggers gets pushed? Everyone has experienced the hijacking of their emotional state of mind, whether in a relationship, in the workplace or attending a family celebration. A trigger is a reminder of a past trauma. This reminder can cause many of us to feel overwhelming sadness, anger, anxiety, violence or panic. We can also be triggered by internal processes such as stress. Stress of course needs no explanation at all. When walking and observing everyone, I often hear 5-year old children share with their parents how stressful school was today and I smile at the parents thinking to myself that the stress hasn't started yet buddy.
I never understood or thought much about emotional triggers until I reached my early 40s and thought dang, my fist just went through a wall instead of through the annoying person's mouth where I wanted it to go instead. I started to think very deeply about why we have triggers? It was a relief to know that it just wasn't me. We were all children once and dealt with different degrees of trauma, regardless if you were from a wealthy or poor family or community. Growing up, we all probably experienced pain or suffering that we may have been unable to identify or deal with it like a champ. As we become adults we become stressed by old painful feelings or attitudes that we remember.
Throughout my life I have always been a deep thinker, often over thinking things so much that it felt like my head would explode. Then one day I decided to take a closer look at my triggers and why my buttons were easily pressed, often leading to a fire alarm going off and it wasn't a pretty picture. So I decided to observe, take notes and listen to so many vicious people who prided themselves on being able to control situations by pushing the buttons of others, especially those more qualified than they could ever be in the workplace. I learned a lot by keeping my mouth closed for about six months. At the time, I didn't have a name for those skilled in vicious behaviours, but today there is a name for them, narcissists. Today I simply alert true friends with a duck, roll and cover message by saying the word, NARC in the meeting.
Learning to handle narcs is quite a skill and can be time consuming. I would often imagine quietly loading a gun and firing it into their head, eyes or chest. I love my daydreams so much, it helps to relieve anxiety when talking to a narc and it keeps me smiling and speaking in a calm tone, much like Dr. Cannibal Lecter from the film, Silence of the Lambs. An important lesson that I learned was to identify my buttons that could be pushed to get a reaction. It may take some time, but it's time well spent to recognise the things that can get you angry without being aware what's flowing out of your mouth. The key is to always be thinking and choosing your words with sharp precision that could cut through the thickest San Francisco fog. Once all is identified, the next step which takes practice is moving or getting rid of the emotional buttons or protecting them so they can't ever be touched again by anyone, especially a narc. With true friends, especially those you are bonded to, trusting each other is part of the love between friends.
Identifying emotional triggers is a process of quietly listening to your mind, body and heart. A good start is learning to pay attention when situations generate a strong emotional response that could lead to negative ramifications that the others may be trying to incite. During these times it's recommended to step back, not run away or break down. When you notice these signs, always stop to consider what occurred and the response it activated. There is nothing wrong to take a break or a breather from the situation to compose yourself and your words. For example, if you were in the office with someone trying to hijack your emotional state of mind, simply announce, I have an appointment in five minutes, but I really want to think about the issues that have been presented, I will schedule a meeting to discuss your concerns later. Or you could say, I am working on a deadline right now and I really want to give you my full attention to try to resolve this concern, but I need to stay focused on my project right now.
Most people will say that we respond by flight, fight or flee, but I like adding a fourth one to the mix called turning the tables. Once I gained control over my emotional triggers I looked forward to vicious idiots in the workplace making the mistake of coming for me. Just thinking those words gives me a rush when I remember the shocked expressions when this sweet, calm, little man turns into the incredible hulk with a big smile on his face using words that would alert any military in the world to prepare to be destroyed. My buttons are basically invisible to assholes but they continue to try.
It helps to pay attention to your physical reactions. Often we all may feel an increate heart rate, hot or cold flashes, tingles, or any bodily change that could be a contraction from the experience. Let's have some fun, turn it into a game, make a list of the first reaction your body feels when dealing with a negative situation. Do you clench your fists? Do you blink less and give the other person the look of death? Does your jaw tighten? Does your breathing increase? Do you feel heat or a coldness in your face?
Notice what thoughts are running through your head. Just be aware of those thoughts without reacting to them. It helps to let them play out in your mind. Write down in a journal or a notebook what story is your mind creating about the situation. For me, my mind can be rather twisted. I have always loved visualizing the painful torture of the other person or persons creating a hostile situation. My mental thoughts are confusing to others because they always make me smile with glee which is usually frightening to the other person and they start to back up. It's when I learned how easy it is to press someone's emotional trigger. Watching the latest January 6th attack on the Capitol reminded me how easy it would be to trigger a racist white body supremacist. They certainly know how to swipe the emotional state of Black people by calling the N-word. That word doesn't bother me and tells me if ignorant the person saying it is and how they keep yelling it in hopes that one of the buttons must be working. With no reaction, that's when their fear kicks. Remember, Flee, Fight or Freeze. If there is a group of them they will often choose fight because they don't know what else to do. They are also dealing with trauma but unwilling to handle it.
Through my many years of working for companies, I also learned how easy it is to trigger the emotional state of Black people who hate other Black people. As I studied the history of slavery, my understanding increased, helping me to understand how Black house slaves hated Black slaves that worked in the fields. They felt they were better, especially if they had lighter skin because their mothers were raped numerous times by the slave owner. Make no mistake, the slaver owner or Master as they were called hated all of them the same. Unfortunately, many Black people are still house slaves trying to destroy others that look like them because of their own self hatred, jealousy and trying to please today's white masters called managers, directors, CEOs, police chiefs and everything in between. For these types of people, I am simply unavailable for any type of interaction.
It's also helpful to note what or who triggered our emotions. It could be a single word that's spoken in a certain tone that reminds you of someone in the past being rude. It could even be the smirk on someone's face pretending to be 'uppity'. One could also be sitting in a meeting and once again, loud, rude men talk over everyone else in the room showing no respect. White men often do this to women and people of colour to try showing their perceived power. When the other person strongly speaks up, they usually back down pretending to be the victim. Again, writing down these triggers and feelings can help to stamp them into your mind so that you remain self-aware in the future.
It's good to be aware of what has occurred before we are triggered. During many observations I have noticed patients rushing to enter hospitals for appointments, but they may be 15 to 20 minutes late. They are told that the appointment has been canceled by an insensitive staff person. As you can imagine, all hell broke lose and arguments began. Lucky for me I was hired to observe and conduct research on why hospital staff were rude and why those coming in were angry. After several interviews with both parties it was discovered that the person with the appointment was late because they had problems with child care, or had a sick child. They didn't have an automobile and missed their bus that would get them there on time after traveling across town and missing a day at work. Many were also taking care of an older parent. When I spoke to hospital staff many said those coming in for appointments were always late and rude to them. Also many of the medical staff felt under attack by patients and their bosses. Once both sides heard my report and feedback, they all apologised to each other, many of them actually cried because they had forgotten how to put themselves in someone else's shoes. The next time you feel that a trigger is being pulled, stop and think about why you feel so vulnerable.
Here are a few commons things that can trigger our emotions:
Feeling self-conscious, such as when alone in a group or comparing ourselves.
Being discounted - when someone stands us up or ignore our calls.
Someone discounting or ignoring you, especially in a meeting when you are presenting or sharing valuable information.
Someone giving you a disappointing look.
Feeling controlled - when someone is making decisions for you or is telling you what to do or feel.
Feeling taken advantage of in situations.
When someone disrespects our personal space.
Someone falsely blaming, accusing you or being critical of you.
Someone trying to control you.
Someone in the role of supervisor abusing their power because they are insecure with your professionalism and ability to do a great job. Their goal is to destroy you, but it usually explodes in their face.
Someone working in a restaurant or store being rude to you as a customer.
Fear - what might happen in a bad environment, possibly when a threat appears real.
This is not an easy process, but a great opportunity to love yourself and get to know where all of your buttons are the next time someone schemes and plans to push them Why not surprise them and allow them to push over and over again. Be prepared to see the confused look on their faces when they can't seem to locate the same button they pushed yesterday, a week, a month or even a year ago. It's called being aware of your emotions and not allowing anyone to jump start you into a bad situation. It's not worth punching someone in the face, but you can punch them with your preparedness, coolness, a calm voice and choosing your razor sharp words with precision and a smile. Later, you can dream about leaving them with a bloody nose. In many instances a punch would probably improve their appearance and encourage them to get new teeth.
Remember, start a journal or a least write those feelings down so that you can review and get re-introduced to your greatness.
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